Kids

Johnny Mysto: Boy Wizard (1997)

Starring Lane Toran, Russ Tamblyn, Michael Ansara, Amber Tamblyn, Ian Abercrombie, Patrick Renna, Pat Crawford Brown, Jack Donner, Magda Catone

Directed by Jeff Burr

Expectations: Magic!

On the general scale:

On the B-movie scale:

Like many of the Moonbeam films, Johnny Mysto: Boy Wizard features a teen that time travels back to medieval times and saves the day. At this point, I guess I should assume that’s going to be the plot until I see otherwise. Anyway, Johnny Mysto: Boy Wizard differentiates itself by its main character’s magical aspirations and its complete lack of logical sense. It’s a good thing I don’t necessarily care about logic in B-Movies, otherwise this review would be a lot of complaining about how the villain’s motivations were unclear and nonsensical. So let me get this straight — they’re stealing peasants from the countryside to make doll-faced automatons out of them? Huh? Clearly, the important point here is “doll-faced automatons,” and that the henchmen soldiers ride around on horses wearing skeleton suits (and yes, that’s the horses wearing the skeleton suits).

The film begins in medieval times, as a girl is chased through the woods by the aforementioned soldiers. She manages to escape for long enough to slip into a hidden hole in the ground. Turns out that inside this seemingly nondescript hole in the ground is the one and only wizard Merlin! The girl has brought Merlin a mirror and through the magic of flexible movie logic, Merlin is able to transfer power through the mirror to an unborn child a thousand years in the future. And wouldn’t ya know, that kid turns out to be Johnny Mysto (Lane Toran)!

Little Ghost (1997)

Starring Jameson Baltes, Kristina Wayborn, Jim Fitzpatrick, Trishalee Hardy, Luc Leestemaker, Laura Bruneau, Rudy Rosenfeld

Directed by Linda Shayne

Expectations: I don’t know. Not much.

On the general scale:

On the B-movie scale:

Of all the Moonbeam films I’ve seen, Little Ghost is one of the most boring. It’s not a bad movie — it’s actually quite charming and sweet — but not that much of interest happens. I’m used to the Moonbeam films being chock full of weirdness and material that most parents would find questionable in a kids movie. Little Ghost doesn’t really have either, so if nothing else it’s different! But in actuality Little Ghost is super predictable, which is ironic given the line of narration that closes the film, “Things never turn out the way you think they will and that’s the fun of it.” B-B-B-But this was a super predictable movie and that was definitely not fun! Hahahaha, whatever, despite these clear issues, Little Ghost is still pretty watchable. Now that’s a resounding endorsement! Feel free to put that on the DVD cover if you ever release it, Full Moon!

Kevin (Jameson Baltes) and his mom Christine (Kristina Wayborn) used to be close, but now Christine’s got a new boyfriend, Tony (Jim Fitzpatrick), who’s manipulating her into opening a resort spa in a Slovenian castle. Yeah, really! But it’s not such an oddity, is it? I know when I’m picking out a spa to visit, I always consider the quality of its medieval masonry. 🙂 Parallel to this story, Kevin explores the castle and makes friends with the ghost of young Sophia (Trishalee Hardy). She once lived in the castle with her mother, who’s left her there to guard it from evil outsiders who would seek to desecrate it. But she’s just a little ghost, and for some unexplained reason (hint: because it’s a movie) she’s unable to do much more that simple parlor tricks like possessing the lawnmower or throwing tomatoes at Tony.

The Incredible Genie (1999)

Starring Matt Koruba, Tom Fahn, Stacie Randall, Biff Manard, George Miserlis, Amanda Fuller, Dean Scofield, Justin Brown

Directed by Alexander Cassini

Expectations: Alakazam! I wish for a good movie!

On the general scale:

On the B-movie scale:

I doubt there’s ever been a genie-based film that didn’t cover the “Be careful what you wish for!” adage, so when The Incredible Genie hits those notes it’s expected. What came as a surprise is that I would genuinely enjoy The Incredible Genie for its reckless, independent spirit AND for its message of friendship and putting the best version of yourself forward. They hit the message pretty hard towards the end of the film, but in this movie it’d still be easy to miss amidst all the insanity being thrown at the screen. The Incredible Genie is essentially a family film, so don’t expect anything traditionally associated with B-Movies and “insanity,” although you can totally look forward to a Snake Man being skewered on a collapsing spiked wall in a booby-trapped jail cell. Gather ’round, kids… it’s time for a Moonbeam movie!

The Incredible Genie opens with Peter Dopler (George Miserlis), a researcher, and his Egyptian guide out a-hunting for tombs. Guess what? They found one! And you’ll never guess how they get in — Peter leans up against the stone door and it just collapses! Wow, what luck! This stone has stood tall and strong for thousands of years, warding off tomb raiders and the sands of time, only to fall when one oafish dude takes a breather. This is merely the tip of the B-Movie iceberg, and within a few minutes we’ve been introduced to “Aura-Detecting Goggles” rigged to view mystical power sources, a magic lamp, and a mummy who tries to hug Peter to death but instead has his burial wrappings unfurled and used as a rappelling line so Peter can make a quick exit from the tomb.

Remote (1993)

Starring Chris Carrara, Jessica Bowman, John Diehl, Tony Longo, Stuart Fratkin, Derya Ruggles, Jordan Belfi, Kenneth A. Brown, Lorna Scott

Directed by Ted Nicolaou

Expectations: Low.

On the general scale:

On the B-movie scale:

I purposefully don’t do much research so I can come to movies without too many expectations. In the case of Remote, knowing nothing led me to incorrectly assume that the title referred to a TV remote. I imagined a magical remote control as the catalyst to the typical Moonbeam storyline of a kid getting sucked into an alternate world, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. In actuality, Remote is more grounded than any other Moonbeam film I’ve seen so far, and the title refers to remote-controlled planes, cars and yodeling Germans.

The storyline is fairly scattershot, but if I had to classify it as something, it’s basically a Home Alone clone. Randy (Chris Carrara) is your typical ’90s whiz kid, and his special interest is in remote-controlled devices. His best friend is a baseball-playing girl named Judy (Jessica Bowman), and they spend a lot of time together flying remote-controlled planes, and racing remote-controlled cars around the duct work in the attic of the sole model house for an undeveloped housing tract. This house is their special hideout, but when a trio of bungling burglars seek refuge there, Randy finds himself trapped in the attic with nothing but his remote-controlled minions between him and the criminals.

Alien Arsenal (1999)

Alien Arsenal (1999)
AKA Alien Weapons

Starring Josh Hammond, Danielle Hoover, Michele Nordin, Krisztián Kovács, Jerrod Cornish, William Vogt, Riley Smith, Dominic Catrambone, Stephanie Mennella, Chris Olivero, Robert Donavan, Brenda Blondell

Directed by David DeCoteau

Expectations: Moderate.

On the general scale:

On the B-movie scale:

Pretty boys in their underwear with varying levels of acting quality? Must be time for another David DeCoteau film! Alien Arsenal is a loose remake of Laserblast, one of my favorite Full Moon films. Generally I’m against remakes, but Laserblast is the kind of movie that could definitely use some improvement. Don’t get me wrong, I love it just how it is, but it’s the ultimate “Let’s roll with this movie’s inherent shittiness and have a good time” movie. Sure, Laserblast has a massive amount of ~~slo-mo explosions~~ LASERBLASTS, blowing up everything from popcorn machines to bullies driving hot rods, but you have to wade through a river of shit to get to them.

For the most part, Alien Arsenal does a good job of taking Laserblast and applying a plot to the general premise. That’s right, Laserblast is largely a plotless film, strung together by nothing more than teenage rage and fiery explosions. Alien Arsenal retains the premise of a bullied teen acquiring an alien weapon, but the whys and the hows are much more than, “He finds it in the desert.”

Teen Sorcery (1999)

Starring A.J. Cook, Craig Olejnik, Lexa Doig, Aimée Castle, Nadia Litz, Anne Anglin, Ioana Cristescu

Directed by Victoria Muspratt

Expectations: Low.

On the general scale:

On the B-movie scale:

Teen Sorcery is one of those movies that is predictable and cliched, but it’s enjoyable anyway. There’s no mystery to the plot — the audience is aware of what’s going on very early on — but somehow the film remains fun and engaging. I’ve got to credit this to a few things: the cast who all give fun performances as likeable characters (even the villains), the hilarious 1999 low-budget CG, and the “anything goes” B-Movie mentality giving us scenes like a Frisbee game in medieval times. I always enjoy the “America by way of Romania” setting the Moonbeam films usually carry, too. I could probably use all of those points to take the film to task, but where’s the fun in that? This is entertainment!

Dawn (A.J. Cook) is a high school kid moving from California to Pilgrimtown, Massachusetts. On the way to the new house, she falls asleep in the car. Seen through an extreme fish-eye lens, Dawn dreams of being trapped in a house. She eventually enters a large room where a girl sits tied to a chair with a burlap sack over her head. She removes the sack to find… HERSELF! Spooky! She runs away, but a witch attacks her and then turns into a spider. Does any of this foreshadow the film’s plot? No, not really (except the witch), but it sure is a fun way to open a movie!

Planet Patrol (1999)

Starring R.L. McMurry, Teal Marchande, Robert Garcia, Robert J. Ferrelli, Jeff Rector, Anthony Furlong, Alison Lohman, Candida Tolentino, J.W. Perra, Jon Simanton, Michael David, John Paul Fedele, Colin Campbell, Matt Corboy, John Williams

Directed by Russ Mazzolla

Expectations: I’m just hoping it’s at least better than Kraa! was.

On the general scale:

On the B-movie scale:

Are you the kind of person whose attention span just can’t hang onto plot points for more than 20 minutes? Then Planet Patrol is the Full Moon movie for you! Edited from a few previous Full Moon films (Kraa! the Sea Monster, Doctor Mordrid, Subspecies & Robot Wars if you’re interested), Planet Patrol plays out like a weird pseudo-anthology film that attempts to tell one overarching story, but instead just feels like they spliced a bunch of shit from other movies together with a few mildly effective connecting scenes interspersed. Wonder why?

Planet Patrol begins in the same way that Kraa! the Sea Monster does — like exactly the same way — but the scene has been edited so that the evil plot hatched by the villains could literally be anything! So instead of leading into the events of Kraa!, we’re introduced to the Museum Planet AKA the museum from Doctor Mordrid. There the Planet Patrol get mixed up in a murder investigation involving a canister of dark goo, the Subspecies stealing the ~~Bloodstone~~ Pickory Stone, and the villain using said stone to conjure footage from Doctor Mordrid of the stop-motion dinosaur eating the guards. What’s a psychic Planet Patrol member to do in the face of such egregious crimes? Use her mind to bring the rest of the Doctor Mordrid footage to the screen, allowing the other dinosaur skeleton to come to life and battle the first, of course!