Starring Heather Thomas, Jeffrey Combs, Ashley Ferrare, Dar Robinson, Martine Beswick, Robert Quarry, Martin Landau, Huntz Hall, Troy Donahue, Michael Reagan, Tim Conway Jr., Dawn Wildsmith, Bruce Fairbairn
Directed by Fred Olen Ray
Expectations: Low. I’m expecting some low-budget action trash.
On the general scale:
On the B-Movie scale:
Prior to seeing Cyclone, I had heard the name Fred Olen Ray, but I had never seen any of his work. From the stories I surmised that Cyclone would be ultra low-budget and ultra stupid, but instead it was fucking awesome! It’s definitely low-budget, and high-brow motherfuckers will turn their noses up at its ridiculous plot, but in terms of entertainment value, this is one of the better films I’ve seen in the past few months. Seriously. Maybe this is just disappointment and indifference talking after seeing The Adventures of Tintin and Melancholia in the theaters, but Cyclone is actually a really well made and produced film, featuring incredible car stunts, explosions and a bevy of quality actors.
Cyclone tells the story of Teri (Heather Thomas) and her inventor boyfriend Rick (Jeffrey Combs). Rick has built an incredible motorcycle fitted with armor plating, laser guns and missiles, and now that it’s complete he starts receiving death threats. The couple goes out to celebrate Rick’s completion of the project, but instead of a champagne toast he receives an ice pick to the brain. Now Teri’s duty is to protect the Cyclone from falling into the wrong hands, but in a world inhabited by greedy people, there’s no telling who she can trust.
Starring Rick Gianasi, Mary Fahey, Ron Reynaldi, Taunie Vrenon, Bill Peterson, Mark Umile, Stormy Spill, Doug Devos, Warren Ulaner, Mark Legan, Asie Kid, LeeAnne Baker
Directed by Tim Kinciad
Expectations: Low, but I hope for some good B-Movie fun.
On the general scale:
On the B-Movie scale:
Mutant Hunt is another Tim Kincaid joint that delivers on the promise his previous films Breeders and Robot Holocaust built up: shitty plots with shitty acting. Where Breeders had little to redeem itself (unless ridiculously gratuitous nudity or women bathing in alien cum is your thing), Robot Holocaust was actually enjoyable in its shittiness. Thankfully, Mutant Hunt continues the upward trend and is easily the most enjoyable Tim Kincaid movie I’ve seen yet. That’s not to say it isn’t a piece of shit though.
I’m really not capable of summarizing the plot of Mutant Hunt. I seriously zoned out every time the characters spoke; my mind compelled me to think of something else every time they started speaking, something of a fail-safe system I guess. What I was able to pick up between battles with my mind dealt with an evil genius with a bunch of cyborg mutants that have been given a drug that makes them find pleasure in killing a human every six hours. After one robot mutant rips the head off of another (the movie has my full attention at this point), the fleet of mutants goes out on the street to kill some mortals. Somehow a few people band together to hunt said mutants, but I was unable to grasp why or how they were connected to the story overall. I know they were at some level, but like I said, I couldn’t fight that fail-safe on my brain.
Starring Lilyan Chauvin, Gilmer McCormick, Toni Nero, Robert Brian Wilson, Britt Leach, Nancy Borgenicht, H.E.D. Redford, Danny Wagner, Linnea Quigley, Leo Geter, Randy Stumpf, Will Hare
Directed by Charles E. Sellier Jr.
Expectations: High, I’ve heard good things.
Argh, this one is just shy of being absolutely phenomenal. The first half is full of incredibly well-done psychological horror, showing the fucked up childhood of Billy and how the damage is manifesting itself throughout his life. About halfway through the film devolves into the sadist slasher movie I expected the whole thing to be and it loses a lot of the steam it had built up. Oh well, even with this frustrating issue, Silent Night, Deadly Night is a fantastic slice of 80s horror and any fan of the genre should definitely check this one out.
The film opens with a family traveling to visit Grandpa in the nursing home. He’s silent and apparently trapped in his head, but when left alone with his grandson Billy, suddenly Grandpa comes to life. He tells Billy about how Santa doesn’t just bring presents to those children that are good, he also punishes kids that were naughty. And not just mostly good, you gotta be ALL good or else Santa will punish you! Billy trembles in fear, and later when they’re traveling home and they stop to help out a Santa with car trouble, Billy freaks out. When this Santa, who happens to be a criminal in disguise, attacks and kills Billy’s parents, the concept of a pleasant, jovial Santa is forever eradicated.
Starring Caitlin Wachs, Ron Perlman, Mark Feuerstein, Emmanuelle Vaugier, Bill Dow, Chad Krowchuk, Graeme McComb, Benjamin Rogers
Directed by John Carpenter
Expectations: Moderate. Carpenter’s other Masters of Horror episode was pretty fun.
If Cigarette Burns was a good Carpenter attempt at episodic TV, then Pro-Life is an excellent one. It’s quite possible you won’t agree with me, but I found this to be easily one of the most enjoyable and exciting episodes of Masters of Horror yet. If you feel very strongly one way or the other on abortion this episode might bother you, but in the name of good horror fun, I say divorce yourself from the issue and allow the episode to run its course. The entire film revolves around a pregnant teen and an abortion clinic though, so it’s fairly hard not to think about it during the movie!
As the film opens it seems like it might be a simple horror take on the abortion issue, and in a way it is, but as the movie progresses it continues to grow darker and more other-worldly. For me personally, this was exactly the right move to take with this one and my enjoyment just grew and grew as the film went on. The ending is something of a WTF moment, but it works, and I can’t complain too much after being as entertained as I was throughout the film.
John Carpenter’s son Cody once again provides music, and this time it’s not so reminiscent of his father’s scores, but I mean that in a good way. Sure, it has the signature synths and piano that Carpenter is known for, but the melodies never reminded me of Carpenter’s fantastic scores of the past. This is a curse and a blessing as the music sometimes has a very generic horror feeling, but when it’s good, it’s fantastic. As the episode moves along, the tension rises and the percussion-driven synth score rattles on, rarely letting up its incessant rhythm. It works so well in heightening the mood and the tension, and coupled with his father’s eye for editing, it’s brilliant.
While the film is contained within one building, Carpenter splits up the players into groups and then cuts between their stories. They all begin the film together, but as it moves along, certain events force them apart. This leads to some of the best cross-cutting I’ve seen in a while, with each scene bursting with tension, leading into another equally exciting scene. They stack on top of one another as the thrills and the horror builds with them, all scored with the incessant synth percussion.
I’ve kept the plot of this one fairly vague because it’s just too much fun to spoil. The acting has a shit-ton of faults and some of the writing is equally groan-inducing, but the skill of John Carpenter and some killer FX from KNB help make this one of the best episodes of the series. It ventures into fantastically fun 80s camp territories that I haven’t seen outside of an 80s film in a while, and at the same time Carpenter shows incredible restraint in certain moments, keeping the film from being the bullshit torture porn a lesser director might make it. For these facts alone, it is worthy of my seal of approval, but don’t just take it from me. Give it a shot!
Starring Robert Glaudini, Freddy Moore, Demi Moore, Luca Bercovici, James Davidson, Al Fann, Cherie Currie, Tom Villard, Vivian Blaine
Directed by Charles Band
Expectations: High, the posters are all sorts of awesome.
It’s been nearly a year since I reviewed anything from the Charles Band era prior to the formation of Empire International, and what better time than Horrific October to make a return visit? From the short list I chose Parasite for two very specific reasons. One is that poster to the right. It’s not necessarily a great poster (or even a good one), but it’s one that instantly grabs me and tells me to watch the film. It’s delightfully cheesy and I figured if the film echoed any of this quality, it would be a good time. Not that horror posters are to be fully trusted. The other, and slightly less dubious, reason was that Parasite has the distinction of being Demi Moore’s first major film role. I’m not much of a fan, but early actor roles are always good fun, especially when they come in trashy horror films.
The story in Parasite is somewhat threadbare, but for this type of film there’s more than enough. Parasite opens with a high-color, intense laboratory scene where a scientist looks in various microscopes at various wriggling organisms. Another man lies strapped down to an examination table, freaking out. The doctor fucks up, dropping a petri dish and unleashing a dangerous parasite that quickly burrows into his stomach. The scientist loads a canister with another organism and books out of the lab as quick as possible. The man strapped to the table doesn’t fare so well though, as the parasite bursts out of his stomach first and then the top of his head. Whew! Five minutes in and already an alien has burst out of some dude’s head. This could be an instant classic.
Will, on January 5, 2012, 5:20 am
Starring Heather Thomas, Jeffrey Combs, Ashley Ferrare, Dar Robinson, Martine Beswick, Robert Quarry, Martin Landau, Huntz Hall, Troy Donahue, Michael Reagan, Tim Conway Jr., Dawn Wildsmith, Bruce Fairbairn
Starring Caitlin Wachs, Ron Perlman, Mark Feuerstein, Emmanuelle Vaugier, Bill Dow, Chad Krowchuk, Graeme McComb, Benjamin Rogers
Starring Robert Glaudini, Freddy Moore, Demi Moore, Luca Bercovici, James Davidson, Al Fann, Cherie Currie, Tom Villard, Vivian Blaine
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