Rating: 1.5 Stars

Petrified (2006)

Starring Roark Critchlow, Jessica Lancaster, Osman Soykut, Kimberly Pfeffer, Tim Murphy, Kathryn Adams, Dana Lastrilla, Stephanie Gentry, Robert Buckley, Darrow Igus, Christopher Bergschneider

Directed by Charles Band

Expectations: Low.

On the general scale:

On the B-movie scale:

With a runtime of only 70 minutes to tell its story — 59 if we take off the credit sequences — Petrified gets right down to business. The opening scene is a shady deal going down in what looks like a darkened corner of someone’s backyard. One party has a briefcase of cash, the other party has a MUMMY! Whoa! And I didn’t say shady for no reason, because as soon as the money has changed hands, guns come out and a man is down. He falls onto the mummy’s coffin, bleeding all over it. But unlike the deals for stolen mummies that I’ve brokered in my backyard, this one is in a movie so the blood brings the mummy to life… immediately! He bursts forth from his wooden box and stares deep into the eyes of those unfortunate to be near him. Like Medusa, the mummy’s gaze has a petrifying effect. With a high amount of hope and promise, the credits begin, but unfortunately that opening is easily the high point of the film.

The tagline for Petrified is “Hideous, Hungry, & On the Loose…” but I thought of some others that could fit just as well. “Petrified from Boredom!” is the low-hanging fruit, but I think “Petrified from Shock That There’s a Hospital for Nymphomaniacs Out in the Middle of the Woods” has more pizzazz. Maybe not front-of-the-DVD-box pizzazz, but pizzazz nonetheless. Anyway, Petrified‘s greatest flaw is that it’s just uninteresting as hell. I have to give them credit for throwing a lot of strange, disparate ideas together, but you’d think they’d amount to more than what we’re given. Which is a bunch of boring characters that have long, boring conversations and a few fun scenes where the mummy’s eyes glow red and he petrifies people. There are diminishing returns on that last one, though. It’s unfortunate because the FX for it look great!

Rama Superman Indonesia (1974)

Starring August Melasz, Yenny Rachman, Boy Shahlani, Djauhari Effendi, Godfried Sancho, Bambang Hermanto

Directed by Frans Totok Ars

Expectations: Low, but hopeful.

On the general scale:

On the B-movie scale:

While I was working my way through the Superman films, I was inadvertently exposed to this largely unknown, low-budget Indonesian film called Rama Superman Indonesia. It all happened when I visited this post on Ruth’s blog Flixchatter, where she relates her love of the Man of Steel and shares that her father produced and wrote a superhero film in the ’70s… Rama Superman Indonesia. The whole thing is on YouTube, so since I just did all those Superman movies, I figured now was a better time than later and dove head first into my first low-budget offering from Indonesia.

I did so without the aid of subtitles, but thankfully, subtitles were mostly unnecessary. Rama Superman Indonesia features a simple story easily told through its visuals. Our film begins with Andi — who reminded me a lot of Sammo Hung — selling newspapers on the street. He is established as a kind soul, helping hungry children and defending bullied kids by punching their attackers into the river. His random acts of kindness pay off later that day when he finds a dying old man laying beside a bush. Andi buys him some food and drink, assisting the old man the best he can. The old man rewards the boy with a golden butterfly pendant and then disappears into thin air.

Superman III (1983)

Starring Christopher Reeve, Richard Pryor, Jackie Cooper, Marc McClure, Annette O’Toole, Annie Ross, Pamela Stephenson, Robert Vaughn, Margot Kidder, Gavan O’Herlihy

Directed by Richard Lester

Expectations: I’m so excited.

On the general scale:

On the “B-movie for Kids” scale:

Superman III is the Superman film that I saw more than any other as a kid. Due to this odd fact, during this re-watch I saw both all the flaws AND loved pretty much every moment. It’s kind of a good thing that Richard Donner didn’t finish Superman II, because if the world went from that slice of awesome to this full-on slapstick, camped-out take on the character, I imagine heads would have exploded in theaters across the world, just on sheer grounds of lunacy. Thankfully(?), director Richard Lester stepped in and added a bunch of slapstick to his scenes in the theatrical Superman II, creating something of a hybrid film between the two directors’ tones and paving the way for this 100% Lester joint.

Having previously fought off human and Kryptonian supervillains, Superman III naturally pits the character against another human supervillain. Oh, but don’t worry because this guy, Ross Webster (Robert Vaughn), is in no way, shape or form like Lex Luthor. Not. At. All. Luthor dealt in land to facilitate his desire to financially control the world; Webster deals in computers and controlling specific industries for financial control of the world. Luthor had a pair of henchpeople; Webster had a pair of henchpeople and Richard Pryor, but one of his henchpeople had a thing for Superman. Oh wait, Ms. Teschmacher had a thing for the Man of Steel also. I could continue listing these “clear differences” in the characters, but honestly, it’s so obvious that the characters are absolutely nothing like each other that it’s kinda of pointless.

The Jayne Mansfield Story (1980)

Starring Loni Anderson, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ray Buktenica, Kathleen Lloyd, G.D. Spradlin, Dave Shelley, Laura Jacoby, Whitney Rydbeck, John Medici

Directed by Dick Lowry

Expectations: Very low.

There are many places that I expected the filmography of Arnold Schwarzenegger to take me, but a TV biopic about Jayne Mansfield was definitely not one of them. I’d love to say that it’s a hidden gem, but it’s barely engaging, let alone entertaining. It’s not especially bad or anything, and maybe if I was really into Jayne Mansfield I’d find it more interesting. It’s just so… “TV movie,” which translates to “more often than not boring and hard to get through.” The budget is small, so don’t expect much more than people talking about things about to happen (or that have just happened) and then a slow fade into the next dialogue scene taking place before (or after) another major event. I can’t really hold this against the film anymore than I could be mad at a horror movie for having gore, but it was pretty trying on my patience.

The story here is the basic “starry-eyed unknown becomes a star” storyline, but the interesting aspect of Jayne Mansfield’s story is her untimely death at age 34 and her ability to drive publicity through playing up her sexuality. The film wisely starts on the night of the car crash that killed her, drawing in the audience by showing us a glimpse of where Mansfield was mentally before showing us how she got there. This isn’t especially original, but it’s an effective storytelling device and it works very well here. It also serves to introduce Arnold’s character, setting him up as our narrator (yes, you read that right) as we venture back to an earlier time when Mansfield wasn’t a star.

Cinderella (1977)

Cinderella (1977)
AKA Cinderella: The Movie, The Other Cinderella

Starring Cheryl Smith, Yana Nirvana, Marilyn Corwin, Jennifer Doyle, Sy Richardson, Brett Smiley, Kirk Scott, Boris Moris, Pamela Stonebrook

Directed by Michael Pataki

Expectations: Very low.

On the general scale:

On the B-movie scale:

[As a slight disclaimer to those who might be interested in seeking this one out and laughing at its absurdity fresh and untainted: I suggest doing so before reading the review. This movie is such that I found it hard not to reveal many of the ways it takes license with the classic tale, and that’s pretty much the whole enchilada with this one. So you’ve been warned!]

Against all odds, Cinderella, the ’70s softcore version of the fairy tale produced by Charles Band, is a memorable, enjoyable experience. I’ve purposefully held back on reviewing this and a few other films in the Band lineup, thinking that they’d be hard to get through (or perhaps impenetrable, to use a dick joke in the spirit of this movie). I also couldn’t imagine the idea that a softcore musical would be any good, but now I see the error in my thinking. Not only was it good, it was a “snapping” good time. And up front I should mention that “good” is most definitely a subjective term here, as I imagine most people would find this largely stupid and pointless.

Invisible: The Chronicles of Benjamin Knight (1994)

Starring Brian Cousins, Jennifer Nash, Michael Della Femina, Curt Lowens, David Kaufman, Alan Oppenheimer, Aharon Ipalé, Jake McKinnon

Directed by Jack Ersgard

Expectations: Low.

On the general scale:

On the B-movie scale:

I hope you like storylines that don’t make sense, title characters that aren’t the main characters and a whole hell of a lot of WTF fun, because Invisible: The Chronicles of Benjamin Knight is chock full of all of those! Shot back-to-back with its predecessor, Mandroid, Invisible is a both a follow-up and a much different style of film. Where Mandroid attempted a traditional story, Invisible gives a big invisible finger to all that and decides to do exactly whatever it wants to. It’s not a very good movie, but if you’re ready for whatever it throws at you, it’s hard not to be entertained by it all.

This one is purely for those that have a good working knowledge of Mandroid‘s intricacies, though, as it never seeks to explain what happened in the previous film, or even to properly set this film up as its own thing. It just jumps right in, so if you’re not already on-board, they don’t have time to go back and pick you up. With a slim runtime of under 80 minutes, nearly every moment of Invisible is devoted to delivering incredible entertainment. It doesn’t always deliver on that promise, but when it does it’s ridiculously fun.

Mandroid (1993)

Starring Brian Cousins, Jane Caldwell, Michael Della Femina, Robert Symonds, Curt Lowens, Patrik Ersgard, Ion Haiduc

Directed by Jack Ersgard

Expectations: High. That poster promises a lot of fun.

On the general scale:

On the B-movie scale:

You don’t know how sad it makes me to watch a movie called Mandroid and not be able to tell you how incredible it is. It’s remarkable how much this film squanders its potential to be a great film, and continues to do that over and over and over again throughout. At least it’s consistent. But don’t fret, it’s not all bad. The elements are here, so Mandroid would actually be better if you’re not paying close attention. You’re doing something, you look up and see the Mandroid driving a car into a wall, you go back to what you’re doing with a smile on your face. That would be a far more enjoyable experience than actually trying to follow the “story” of this movie.

But what is that story? Hellifino! No really, it’s about this Mandroid and he’s in love with a Wo-Mandroid from a rival clan. Their ~~fathers~~ creators object to their coupling — OK, OK. The real story is about a pair of elderly scientists who created the Mandroid together. One creator, Karl, wants to use it for science, but the other, Drago, wants to sell it to the military! They do a bit of fighting about it, and Drago decides to take matters into his own hands and just steal the sum’bitch. That plan goes awry and Drago gets hideously disfigured, fueling his rage even more!