Delta Delta Die! (2003)

Deltadeltadie_1Starring Julie Strain, Brinke Stevens, Joe Dain, Steve Malis, Karen A. Smith, Tiffany Shepis, Rachel Myers, Lizzy Strain, Jennifer L. Johnson, Kathryn Adams, Julia Marchese, Jordan White, Nic Oram

Directed by Devin Hamilton

Expectations: I liked the last movie I saw by this guy, Birth Rite, so I’m hopeful.

On the general scale:
onestar

On the B-movie scale:
twostar


Delta Delta Die! is a B-Movie for those that love ’em bad and trashy. Gratuitous nudity and horrid acting abound, and while it’s fairly tame when it comes to gore (like most Full Moon films), a good measure of sadism keeps the film at a level far, far below anything ready for mainstream consumption. Hahahaha, as if “normal” people are even considering watching a movie called Delta Delta Die.

The movie begins in hilarious fashion as we watch a fornicating couple dirty talk to one another, and it’s a shame the rest of the movie doesn’t live up to this promise. A part of me wonders whether it was supposed to be funny or not, but it has to be intentional when the guy says things like, “All you can eat buffet! Dig in!” as his lover is about to take his pants off. Anyway, it’s hilarious, but at the end of the scene the girl reveals her real motive for taking off his pants: to eat his penis! Oh, lawd almighty, say it ain’t so!

Continue reading Delta Delta Die! (2003) →

Petrified (2006)

petrified_1Starring Roark Critchlow, Jessica Lancaster, Osman Soykut, Kimberly Pfeffer, Tim Murphy, Kathryn Adams, Dana Lastrilla, Stephanie Gentry, Robert Buckley, Darrow Igus, Christopher Bergschneider

Directed by Charles Band

Expectations: Low.

On the general scale:
onestar

On the B-movie scale:
onehalfstar


With a runtime of only 70 minutes to tell its story — 59 if we take off the credit sequences — Petrified gets right down to business. The opening scene is a shady deal going down in what looks like a darkened corner of someone’s backyard. One party has a briefcase of cash, the other party has a MUMMY! Whoa! And I didn’t say shady for no reason, because as soon as the money has changed hands, guns come out and a man is down. He falls onto the mummy’s coffin, bleeding all over it. But unlike the deals for stolen mummies that I’ve brokered in my backyard, this one is in a movie so the blood brings the mummy to life… immediately! He bursts forth from his wooden box and stares deep into the eyes of those unfortunate to be near him. Like Medusa, the mummy’s gaze has a petrifying effect. With a high amount of hope and promise, the credits begin, but unfortunately that opening is easily the high point of the film.

The tagline for Petrified is “Hideous, Hungry, & On the Loose…” but I thought of some others that could fit just as well. “Petrified from Boredom!” is the low-hanging fruit, but I think “Petrified from Shock That There’s a Hospital for Nymphomaniacs Out in the Middle of the Woods” has more pizzazz. Maybe not front-of-the-DVD-box pizzazz, but pizzazz nonetheless. Anyway, Petrified‘s greatest flaw is that it’s just uninteresting as hell. I have to give them credit for throwing a lot of strange, disparate ideas together, but you’d think they’d amount to more than what we’re given. Which is a bunch of boring characters that have long, boring conversations and a few fun scenes where the mummy’s eyes glow red and he petrifies people. There are diminishing returns on that last one, though. It’s unfortunate because the FX for it look great!

Continue reading Petrified (2006) →

Subscribe via Email!

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 81 other subscribers

Ongoing Series

Top Posts & Pages