Petrified (2006)

petrified_1Starring Roark Critchlow, Jessica Lancaster, Osman Soykut, Kimberly Pfeffer, Tim Murphy, Kathryn Adams, Dana Lastrilla, Stephanie Gentry, Robert Buckley, Darrow Igus, Christopher Bergschneider

Directed by Charles Band

Expectations: Low.

On the general scale:

On the B-movie scale:

With a runtime of only 70 minutes to tell its story — 59 if we take off the credit sequences — Petrified gets right down to business. The opening scene is a shady deal going down in what looks like a darkened corner of someone’s backyard. One party has a briefcase of cash, the other party has a MUMMY! Whoa! And I didn’t say shady for no reason, because as soon as the money has changed hands, guns come out and a man is down. He falls onto the mummy’s coffin, bleeding all over it. But unlike the deals for stolen mummies that I’ve brokered in my backyard, this one is in a movie so the blood brings the mummy to life… immediately! He bursts forth from his wooden box and stares deep into the eyes of those unfortunate to be near him. Like Medusa, the mummy’s gaze has a petrifying effect. With a high amount of hope and promise, the credits begin, but unfortunately that opening is easily the high point of the film.

The tagline for Petrified is “Hideous, Hungry, & On the Loose…” but I thought of some others that could fit just as well. “Petrified from Boredom!” is the low-hanging fruit, but I think “Petrified from Shock That There’s a Hospital for Nymphomaniacs Out in the Middle of the Woods” has more pizzazz. Maybe not front-of-the-DVD-box pizzazz, but pizzazz nonetheless. Anyway, Petrified‘s greatest flaw is that it’s just uninteresting as hell. I have to give them credit for throwing a lot of strange, disparate ideas together, but you’d think they’d amount to more than what we’re given. Which is a bunch of boring characters that have long, boring conversations and a few fun scenes where the mummy’s eyes glow red and he petrifies people. There are diminishing returns on that last one, though. It’s unfortunate because the FX for it look great!

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Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver (2011)

Starring Jackie Beat (Kent Fuher), Paris Wagner, Steven-Michael McLure, Kimberly Pfeffer, Selene Luna, Jacqui Holland, Justin Schwan, Jonny Jay

Directed by William Butler

Expectations: Super low. Not a fan of the Gingerdead Man.

The Gingerdead Man series is one of my least favorite Full Moon franchises. The first film was absolutely awful, and while the second film is much better, it’s still pretty far from being anything I’d actively choose to re-watch. My dedication to reviewing every Full Moon film is strong though, so I soldier on to bring you a review of the latest entry, Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver. Simply put, it’s bad, but fortunately for me it’s closer to the second film’s tone and quality so the film at least has some entertainment value.

The film opens with a blatant rip-off scene from Silence of the Lambs, where Clarissa Darling (get it– Jodie Foster was Clarice Starling) travels to the Scientific Research Institute for the Study of Homicidal Baked Goods to meet with the Gingerdead Man. Now if I remember correctly, Gingerdead Man was crucified by a team of Puppet Master knock-off puppets at the end of Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust, but as I’ve said before, continuity has never stood in Charles Band’s way of a good/bad movie. In any case, the cookie killer escapes into the Institute’s time travel wing that just so happens to have developed a time travel device for food transportation. Gingerdead Man jumps in and transports himself back to 1976 in the middle of a roller rink. So theoretically this means that the research institute on the hill shown at the beginning of the film is on the site of the old roller rink. Whatever. I understand that these movie are not meant for intense critical examination, but I like to amuse myself by applying logic to them and making the plot somewhat more complex than it should be.

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