Starring Nicolas Read, Marcella Laasch, Sewell Whitney, Sarah Megan White, Jay Richardson, Stephen O’Mahoney, Trent Haaga, Lilith Stabs, Brinke Stevens
Directed by J.R. Bookwalter
Expectations: None. Films that don’t get released usually don’t get released for a reason.
On the general scale:
On the B-Movie scale:
I don’t have the full story, but from what I gather Deadly Stingers is an unreleased Syfy Channel production with some involvement from what then constituted the Full Moon company. For some reason, it was never shown or released in the US, but it did find a home on television in the UK. While I’d love to say that you’ve been done wrong once again by the man, and Deadly Stingers is a holy grail for killer scorpion aficionados, I’m unable– ah who am I kidding? If you’re a killer scorpion fiend (and you don’t mind that these killer scorpions are mutants grown to human size), then you need to watch Deadly Stingers. I’m not an expert, but I’m sure it’s pretty safe to say that this is a fairly untapped sub-genre.
Deadly Stingers is exactly the sparsely scripted, low-budget horror schlock you’d expect it to be, but it is made with enough style and fun that it overcomes all the odds stacked against it. This is a traditional small town horror film, where a group of people are separated and have to do their best to fend off the fearsome creatures assaulting the town. But when I say small town horror, don’t expect anything nearly as funny and entertaining as James Gunn’s Slither. This is on a completely different scale.
Starring Cheng Pei Pei, Yueh Hua, Ng Fung, Lo Wei, Tien Feng, Poon Oi-Lun, Yeung Chi Hing, Ou-Yang Sha-Fei, Lee Kwan, Tong Jing, Lee Sau Kei, Go Ming, Goo Man-Chung, Hung Lau, Yee Kwan
Directed by Lo Wei
Expectations: Moderate. I have a bad feeling about this one.
My bad feelings were all for naught, as Lo Wei’s Raw Courage is a fun, rollicking little wuxia film. It’s not something that will create genre fans, nor is it anything truly substantial, but it is fantastic entertainment. Raw Courage tells the story of an emperor besieged by an army who entrusts his child to Lo Wei and his Black Dragon Clan. In virtually every other Shaw Brothers film from this period involving a baby, there’d be a twenty year jump in time and we’d pick up the story with the young martial artist out looking to find their destiny or avenge their fallen parents/master. In Raw Courage, the baby actually stays a baby as Cheng Pei-Pei and Ng Fung quickly find themselves in charge of taking the infant prince across the country to meet up with the White Dragon Clan. If trying to transport a baby through enemy checkpoints sounds like a good time, then Raw Courage is your barrel of monkeys.
There’s nothing too special about Raw Courage, other than its ability to rise above the standard wuxia storytelling and remain exciting and interesting throughout. There are loads of problems that contribute to the film being less than it should be, but honestly I only noticed after the film was over because I was having such a fun time with it. One of the major flaws is that the villains, while plentiful, aren’t nearly well-defined enough to make for compelling adversaries to our heroes. Tien Feng plays their leader, but basically sleepwalks through a role where his primary task is to walk from one place to another and say, “After them!” It’s hard to blame him. The villain introduced later in the film, a man with a blue-gray face known only as Old Monster, is awesome and really deserved more screen time too. It’s crazy villains like this that would later populate all kinds of wild and fantastic Hong Kong films, so I’m willing to forgive this one a bit just for including him.
I love mythology. Myths are the oldest stories we have, and they are a tie to what stories are and why we tell them. Those stories have captivated audiences for centuries and millennia. I am always fascinated by how potent they are, and how they strike to the core of human nature. As an anime fan, it should come as no surprise that I have a special love for Japanese mythology. Legend of the Millennium Dragon is based heavily on Japanese myths, taking some of the more important characters and throwing them into an action film with a hefty dollop of magical explosions. This is exactly the kind of thing I love to see. Except that Millennium Dragon is boring as hell. I really don’t know how you can make huge explosions, hectic sword fights, and furious monsters dull, but they certainly can be. If you doubt me, go ahead and watch this. You’ll learn the sad truth.
Part of this film’s problem is its overuse of computer effects. I don’t just mean that I hate CG and it makes the film look ugly (and boy is that the truth as well), but that Kawasaki seems far too enamored of his ability to pan the camera around. Whole scenes seem devoted to the fact that he can show a panoramic view of the room. He tried to infuse a sense of awe through the film, but it’s only awe at what the computer can do, not at the characters or events. It doesn’t impress, and it doesn’t entertain.
The plot adds nothing of value to the experience either. It’s just a generic tale of a young man who finds out he has some amazing power, and then needs to save the world, or at least ancient Japan, from a rather uninspired villain. Add to that a cheesy “why can’t we all just get along?” theme to the whole thing, and we get a wholly uninteresting story.
I liked the designs for the Oni, and the idea that they are just people wearing war masks rather than monsters, but that was about the only good thing this movie has to offer. Well, there’s also the goofiest and most impractical looking catapult I have ever seen, but that was just unintentional humor. Millennium Dragon tries to impress by making everything huge, and the climax is a contest of one-upmanship with each side simply pulling a bigger monster out its ass, back and forth while you yawn away the evening. But like a cat arching its back to look more menacing, it’s all just fluff.
Editor’s Note: The film was completed in 2010 and shown at various events, but was never able to secure distribution. It received a theatrical release in the UK in 2011, before finally being released in the states on May 4, 2o12 (in limited theatrical markets) and May 8, 2012 (on DVD/Blu-Ray). IMDB lists it as a 2010 film, but I went with the official US release date of 2012.
Starring Rebecca De Mornay, Jaime King, Patrick John Flueger, Warren Kole, Deborah Ann Woll, Briana Evigan, Shawn Ashmore, Frank Grillo, Lisa Marcos, Matt O’Leary, Lyriq Bent, Tony Nappo, Kandyse McClure, Jessie Rusu, Jason Wishnowski
Directed by Darren Lynn Bousman
Expectations: None. I hate remakes, but this one might be interesting.
I never expected this Mother’s Day to be as good as the original. I also never expected this Mother’s Day to completely dispose of the original’s plot. This film is the definition of a loose remake, using only a few characters and situations from the original and then going hog-wild with home invasion tension and torture from there. Really wasn’t expecting that. It actually works out for me, because watching two versions of the same movie back-to-back could get a bit draining. But expectations and comparisons to the original aside, I can’t say that this film is anything I’d classify as quality entertainment, or quality horror, in that it follows the modern path of the Saw films by making the horror come from what you might be forced to do to survive. It should then come as no surprise to find out that the director of this remake is Darren Lynn Bousman, previously responsible for directing Saw II—IV.
As I hinted at, the story here is a very simple, home invasion hostage situational with dashes of Saw sprinkled in here and there. Two girls interrupt the villains at the ATM? They’re given a knife and thirty seconds to decide who will kill the other to survive. Similar situations happen several times throughout the movie, and while they are never as premeditated and wild as the ones in Saw, they are awfully contrived, especially if you’re aware of the director’s earlier work going into the film (like I was). Apparently this is what passes for horror nowadays, although I refuse to accept it. These types of films and situations come directly out of the reality show obsessed culture, where each week millions watch as friend becomes enemy. In the 80s we were scared of the dark. Now we’re scared of what my friend will do to me if given the chance. Is it just me, or is American culture getting too goddamned paranoid?
Starring Nancy Hendrickson, Deborah Luce, Tiana Pierce, Frederick Coffin, Michael McCleery, Beatrice Pons, Robert Collins, Peter Fox
Directed by Charles Kaufman
Expectations: This is one of Troma’s cult 80s hits, I’m excited to finally see it.
On the general scale:
On the B-Movie scale:
“You want your mother to be proud of ya, don’t ya?”
It’s every boy’s dream to make his mother proud, but who among us would kidnap, rape and murder tourists for our mother’s affection? The two brothers in Mother’s Day are willing to do just that, and while their rampage is sadistic and twisted, Mother’s Day is a great horror film. It’s a bit of a twist on Deliverance and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but to call it derivative is missing the fun. Sure, Mother’s Day trades almost completely in genre conventions and clichés, but everything is done effectively and entertainingly, resulting in a film that is pure horror cinema.
Three college friends get together every year for a mystery getaway. This year they end up camping away from all the hustle and the bustle of the city, or in the case of Tiana Pierce’s character the ridiculous pool parties with old men trying to pick up hot-bodied girls with Kubrick quotes. The girls hike into the backwoods and skinny-dip in the lake. Well, duh… this is an 80s horror film. Honestly you don’t need me to explain the setup; you’ve seen it before. Instead, just sit back and enjoy this low-budget gem from Charles Kaufman, Lloyd’s brother, and Troma Pictures!
This banner isn't much to look at, but it's a great example of my strong inability to self-promote. That counts for something, right?
“What the fuck are the Lammys?”
For those outside of the movie blogging world, the Lammys are the annual blog awards put on by The Large Association of Movie Blogs AKA The LAMB, so basically the Oscars for movie blogs. And the nomination period has begun! Unfortunately you must be a LAMB to vote, so my legions of undead readers will have to vote me to success someplace else. But if you’re a member, then do I have a pitch for you!
Despite being around and hammering out something like 400 reviews over the past two years, I have a very small following because of my inability to network and self-promote. And if you nominate Silver Emulsion in any of the categories below, I firmly promise to continue the trend of ineffectual marketing, as well as fully providing the category-specific rewards I mention in the pitches below. What can I say, I’ve been inspired by all the Kickstarter posts I’ve read lately. So without further ado, here’s my best foot forward and all that.
Best Blog
I’ll always have the best blog in my heart, but unfortunately you can’t vote for yourself. This is where you come in. In honor of my underdog spirit, if I’m nominated for Best Blog I’ll review 1985’s GYMKATA, 1989’s BEST OF THE BEST, & the entire KARATE KID series.
Best Design
I don’t think I really have a chance in hell of being nominated for anything this category. That being said, if I get nominated I’ll review 1958’s VERTIGO in honor of Saul Bass’s great design work.
Best Community Builder/Networking LAMB
Hahahahaha. This would be the place to enter me as an ironic vote. C’mon, you know you want to. Undermine the system! If I’m nominated I’ll fight the power with a review of 1982’s GANDHI.
Most Prolific
Admittedly, a couple hundred posts a year is nothing within this game; lots of bloggers bust out 400+ posts a year. But 200 reviews in one year is nothing to turn your mouse away from. If I’m nominated I’ll review one of prolific director Takashi Miike’s rare early films: 1992’s wrestling exploitation movie A HUMAN MURDER WEAPON.
Best Blog-a-thon/Meme
Hmmm. I got nothing. I neither created or participated in anything that would fit under this category, so this is the one where I’m really gonna need your help. If I get the nod, I’ll review the entire NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET series.
Funniest Writer
If you’ve laughed at all while reading this, then you know where you must cast your vote. If you need further convincing, perhaps this or this will help. If I get your vote, I’ll resurrect my old idea of reviewing the WEEKEND AT BERNIE’S films, and posting them on the weekend in a series entitled THE WEEKEND AT BERNIE’S. You know you want that.
Brainiac Award
I have my moments, but in my mind I still remain mostly in the shadow of better film critics. But if I get your nomination, I’ll jump headlong into the films of Ingmar Bergman, perhaps WILD STRAWBERRIES and THE VIRGIN SPRING, and try to deliver something insightful.
Best Running Feature
I’ve plugged away at a pace of one review a week on my quest to review every Full Moon feature. If that’s not exciting enough for you, how about a series where I watch all the Shaw Brothers martial arts films in chronological order of release? If you nominate me, in addition to continuing the current series’, I’ll start up my long-awaited and much rumored chronological jaunt through the films of Jean Claude Van-Damme!
Best Ratings System
I use the classic 4 star system, with an extra four stars for B-movies. This allows you to see if a B-Movie is shitty and awesome, or just shitty and boring, easily and quickly. If I get the nomination, I’ll use this amazing, iconoclast rating system to review revered auteur Terrence Malick’s first film BADLANDS, and Troma’s 1987 cult hit REDNECK ZOMBIES.
Best Horror/Sci-Fi Blog
I’m already holding down the fort on horror, but sci-fi could definitely use a shot in the arm. If you get me on the ballot, I’ll review 1982’s BLADE RUNNER and 1981’s SCANNERS.
Best Classic Film Blog
Like sci-fi, I need to beef up the classic film content on the site. That being said, my ongoing series of Sam Fuller film reviews is fun, and most of the Shaw Brothers films would qualify as classics. If I get nominated, I’ll review CASABLANCA, LAWRENCE OF ARABIA and ON THE WATERFRONT.
Best Festival/Awards Coverage
I got nothing. If you nominate me, it’ll because you want me to review the 1993 nominees for Worst Picture at the Razzies: INDECENT PROPOSAL, BODY OF EVIDENCE, CLIFFHANGER, LAST ACTION HERO, & SLIVER.
Best New LAMB
I am eligible for Best New LAMB, and I’ve done nothing but be awesome all year long, so I totally deserve it. If you nominate me, I’ll make good on my site’s tagline and actually review 1941’s CITIZEN KANE and 1984’s THE TOXIC AVENGER.
Best Podcast
I don’t have a podcast, but again I ask you to subvert the system and vote for me. Imagine all that you’ve read, but spoken and in your ear! It would be amazing, let me tell you. In honor of podcasts ruining people’s hearing around the world, if I’m nominated I’ll review 1984’s THIS IS SPINAL TAP & 1979’s ROCK AND ROLL HIGH SCHOOL.
Best Movie Reviewer
I do my best reviewing the movies I do here, and if it’s worthy of a vote, I humbly thank you. And what might I thank you with? Reviews of 2004’s SUBURBAN SASQUATCH, 1996’s DUNSTON CHECKS IN, and the entire PLANET OF THE APES series, that’s what! I’m goin’ ape for your votes!
Starring Donnie Yen, Leon Lai, Charlie Yeung, Lu Yi, Lau Kar-Leung, Sun Hong-Lei, Kim Soo-Yeon, Michael Wong Man-Tak, Chi Kuan-Chun, Jason Pai Piao, Duncan Lai, Tai Li-Wu, Zhang Jing-Chu, Huang Peng, Ma Jing-Wu
Directed by Tsui Hark
Expectations: Moderate. It seems to have a lot going for it, but I don’t want to get too excited.
Back in my teenage years, Tsui Hark was one of the mystical, incredible directors that I loved. He was responsible for some of the best films Hong Kong had to offer, most notably the Once Upon a Time in China films and Zu Warriors from the Magic Mountain (among many, many others). Like lots of the big Hong Kong directors though, he emigrated over to the US in the late 90s, hoping to find grand success on the larger American stage. Instead, he found heartache and disappointment with a pair of underperforming JCVD films, Double Team and Knock Off. To be fair, I’ve only seen half of Double Team and the first few minutes of Knock Off, something I plan to remedy at some point, but from these small bits one might guess he had lost his knack for filmmaking. Seven Swords is a few years later, but it proves why Hong Kong filmmakers should stay in Hong Kong (unless an American studio is willing to give them free rein, which is never going to happen).
On the surface, Seven Swords is yet another play on the Seven Samurai framework. A helpless village is being assaulted by bandits and they need the help of seven rogue swordsman and all that. Here it’s slightly tweaked where the Emperor has sent out an edict where all practitioners of martial arts are to be killed. General Fire-Wind and his brutal army are parading around the land, killing and beheading whoever fits the bill. They happen upon a remote village and quickly plan their assault. Two of the villagers, along with veteran martial arts choreographer and all-around Hong Kong legend Lau Kar-Leung, venture out to Mount Heaven in search of some help from the hermit swordsmen residing there. So yeah, the setup is very Seven Samurai, but the rest of the movie is anything but.
Starring Nicolas Read, Marcella Laasch, Sewell Whitney, Sarah Megan White, Jay Richardson, Stephen O’Mahoney, Trent Haaga, Lilith Stabs, Brinke Stevens
Raw Courage [虎膽] (1969)
Legend of the Millennium Dragon [鬼神伝, Onigamiden] (2011)
Editor’s Note: The film was completed in 2010 and shown at various events, but was never able to secure distribution. It received a theatrical release in the UK in 2011, before finally being released in the states on May 4, 2o12 (in limited theatrical markets) and May 8, 2012 (on DVD/Blu-Ray). IMDB lists it as a 2010 film, but I went with the official US release date of 2012.
Starring Nancy Hendrickson, Deborah Luce, Tiana Pierce, Frederick Coffin, Michael McCleery, Beatrice Pons, Robert Collins, Peter Fox
Seven Swords [七劍] (2005)