Good Trash

Stephen reviews: Mikadoroid (1991)

mikadoroid_1 Mikadoroid [ミカドロイド] (1991)
AKA Mikadroid: Robokill Beneath Disco Club Layla, Mikadoroido

Starring Hiroshi Atsumi, Sandayū Dokumamushi, Yoriko Dōguchi, Kenji Hayami

Directed by Satoo Haraguchi & Tomo’o Haraguchi

It’s time for some B-movie shlock, my friends. This time it’s coming from me instead of Will, which also means it’s coming from Japan. Actually, I’m still kind of amazed that anyone bothers to make US releases of Japanese B-movies, but here we are, so we might as well make the most of it. And while Mikadoroid is something of a mixed bag, there is definitely enough crazy shit to make a snack out of, if not a full meal, for any B-movie fan.

The film starts off with some cool black and white scenes set in World War II, punctuated by still shots for dramatic effect. This part of the film is actually pretty good as it explains that Japan was working on a cyborg super soldier experiment that might have turned the tide of the war (which I am going to assume is the titular Mikadoroid, not that the film ever says so). But as resources grew scarce, the government decided to cut off funding and shut the project down. But of course, there was one finished prototype that got locked away in the secret lab. Queue the plot of the film, as that prototype wakes up 45 years later to wreak havoc on an unsuspecting underground parking lot. Alright, I’ll admit that with the American title of Robokill Beneath Disco Club Layla I was hoping for more of a rampage inside the disco club, not in its parking garage, but I suppose I have only myself to blame as the title was completely accurate.

The Legend of Hercules (2014)

Starring Kellan Lutz, Gaia Weiss, Scott Adkins, Roxanne McKee, Liam Garrigan, Liam McIntyre, Rade Serbedzija, Johnathon Schaech, Luke Newberry, Kenneth Cranham, Mariah Gale, Sarai Givaty

Directed by Renny Harlin

Expectations: Super low. I just want swords, sandals, and fun.

On the general scale:

On the B-movie scale:

The Legend of Hercules has a fairly bad reputation, even for a film that’s only been out for a few months. The score on Rotten Tomatoes score is 3% for God’s sake! So leave it to me to make it something of a priority to watch it, and then to enjoy it thoroughly. Don’t mistake that for me being blind to the film’s bad qualities — oh, did I ever notice them! — but the film entertained in spite of this. It’s really subjective, though, so I don’t recommend hastily running out in your loincloth to rent the film, but know that there is the possibility that you might find something to enjoy here. I guess that makes me part of the 3%, which is in no way related to the American elitist assholes who make up the 1%. I promise.

So in the face of the huge wall of adversity coming at this movie, I thought that if I reviewed it I shouldn’t waste any time on why it’s bad. I’m sure within the 97% there are plenty of critical diatribes describing exactly why The Legend of Hercules is a horrible blight on the world that is so horrendously bad it actually sucks other things into its strange, cinematic black hole. So there’s no point in rehashing these points. I will say that I don’t think the movie is anywhere near bad enough to warrant such hate, but I understand why. Director Renny Harlin has definitely been in better form than aping Zack Snyder’s ugly, unnecessary slo-mo that filled 300, while also trying to appeal to the Twilight crowd with a tender love story and star Kellan Lutz. Did I like these aspects? Of course not, but I knew they would be there and I expected them, so I was able to let them roll off my back as confidently as the film’s actors delivered their historically inaccurate, “Any American movie set in the past is made better by phony English accents” English accents.

Zarkorr! the Invader (1996)

Starring Rhys Pugh, De’Prise Grossman, Mark Hamilton, Charles Schneider, Ron Barnes, Dileen Nesson, Torie Lynch, John Paul Fedele, Mike Terner, Robert J. Ferrelli

Directed by Aaron Osborne (with kaiju SFX scenes directed by Michael Deak)

Expectations: I have a bad feeling, but I want it to be good.

On the general scale:

On the B-movie scale:

What happens when noted low-budget studio Full Moon puts together a kaiju film? Pure ~~Grade A~~ Grade B entertainment! Don’t believe me? Take the film’s first two scenes as an example. The film opens with a mountain exploding and a giant dinosaur kaiju bursting out from it. As if that’s not enough to launch the film, the monster then stands in front of the gaping hole he made, emitting his Godzilla-like scream while giant balls of fire erupt around him. It reminded me of the ridiculous intros that wrestlers have, and I wished — even before seeing more than two minutes of the movie — that there was a Zarkorr! sequel so this horned behemoth could go claw-to-claw with another fearsome giant (who could have a similar ridiculous intro).

But many B-Movies kick off with a bang, and then leave viewers in the lurch. Not Zarkorr! the Invader! The next scene is a complete change of pace, as we meet our hero: a lowly postal worker. He’s just minding his own business in his apartment when a teenage girl about three inches high materializes onto his kitchen table out of a ball of light. She informs him that he’s been chosen to defeat the beast, the invader from another realm… Zarkorr! the Invader! She leaves him with a few truths about the monster — such as he cannot be harmed by any weapon known to man — and then disappears just as quickly as she appeared. You’re probably wondering why this meek postal worker was chosen and not someone brawny like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Here’s where the logic gets a little fuzzy. This guy was picked specifically because he’s the median human; 50% of the world is better suited to the job, and 50% of the world is less well-equipped for the job. So if you were wondering: yes, mediocrity does have its benefits.

Return to Nuke ‘Em High Vol. 1 (2013)

Starring Asta Paredes, Catherine Corcoran, Clay von Carlowitz, Zac Amico, Stefan Dezil, Gabriela Fuhr, Vito Trigo, Mark Quinnette, Mike Baez, Reiki Tsuno, Tara E. Miller, Jim Sheppard, Debbie Rochon, Babette Bombshell, William Dreyer, Ron Mackay, Adam P. Murphy, Brenda Rickert, Lloyd Kaufman, Lemmy, Stan Lee

Directed by Lloyd Kaufman

Expectations: Super high! It’s the new Troma film!

Lloyd Kaufman’s films are all about excess in the name of fun, with moments of grossout gore, nudity and juvenile humor all amped up to levels that would make a nun’s black habit turn white. Return to Nuke ‘Em High is no different, so Troma fans can rest assured that this new film from Uncle Lloyd is the real deal. I absolutely loved it, and while I did have a couple of issues with it overall, it’s a great film that showcases everything you either love or hate about Troma. There’s never a middle ground with a Troma film, and this commitment to a truly independent vision of cinema is what keeps the fans loyal and hungry for more tromatic thrills.

Return to Nuke ‘Em High is kind of a remake of the original Class of Nuke ‘Em High (one of my favorite Troma films), but it’s also kind of a sequel too. It also goes the Citizen Toxie route and kind of brushes off whatever happened in the previous sequels to make things easier for the writing team. This is all lovingly and wonderfully rendered during the opening sequence of the film, which recaps the first film and introduces us to the current circumstances afflicting good ol’ Tromaville High School. I should also mention that calling Return to Nuke ‘Em High a remake of Class of Nuke ‘Em High doesn’t do justice to what Troma has created here. Return to Nuke ‘Em High is very much its own thing with a wealth of fresh, hilarious creativity, while also incorporating and re-inventing elements that existed in the original film.

Skull Heads (2009)

Starring Robin Sydney, Samantha Light, Steve Kramer, Rane Jameson, Kim Argetsinger, Lucia Stara, Antonio Covatta, Giacomo Gonnella

Directed by Charles Band

Expectations: I don’t know, honestly. Not good.

On the general scale:

On the B-movie scale:

Modern Full Moon films are always a dicey proposition because the budgets are rarely high enough to pull off the FX work necessary to realize their relatively high-concept premises. Skull Heads is no different in the budget department, but it does enough right that this doesn’t matter much. At least for me it didn’t. One look at other reviews for this movie reveals that I may be alone in my love for Skull Heads, but when a film from a fading company is such a return to form I have a hard time believing that I’m its only fan.

Skull Heads begins in a castle dungeon where an angry father is punishing his unruly daughter, Naomi (Robin Sydney), on the rack. Just right there you have two huge pieces of evidence in the return-to-form case: the film is set in a real castle (a hallmark of tons of Full Moon films), and the creepy, unsettling family dynamics. Creepy families are arguably more of a horror movie thing than an actual Full Moon trademark, but with something as unique and defining in the “creepy family” horror sub-genre as Head of the Family (and that’s just one of many creepy families in their catalog), you know they’ve done some serious work in the genre. And the Arkhoff family in Skull Heads is one of Full Moon’s most fucked up and interesting to watch families.

Seedpeople (1992)

Seedpeople (1992)
AKA Dark Forest, Devil Seed

Starring Sam Hennings, Andrea Roth, Dane Witherspoon, Bernard Kates, Holly Fields, John Mooney, Anne Betancourt, David Dunard, Charles Bouvier, Sonny Carl Davis, J. Marvin Campbell

Directed by Peter Manoogian

Expectations: Moderate, but how can a movie called Seedpeople not be good?

On the general scale:

On the B-movie scale:

It is true that Seedpeople is a variation on Invasion of the Body Snatchers and Piranha, but when the main villains roll around in seed pods and spring out with limbs outstretched to snare another puny human in their mind-control scheme to re-populate the Earth, these types of concerns are pointless. Seedpeople is a film designed for pure fun, and for those willing to get down and dirty with it at its level, it will provide a plethora of hilarity and good times in a slim 81-minute package.

Our main character is a geologist who’s staying in the remote town of Comet Valley to give a talk on meteorites to the Fireball Club. The town was founded on the site where a comet hit the Earth, and recent meteor showers have ignited the townspeople’s desire to hunt meteorites and sell them or collect them or whatever. Meanwhile, there’s some kind of flower spores growing in a resident’s orchard trees. Late at night a man comes by to turn on the water, and instead gets a massive load of plant sperm spewed all over him. It’s a literal alien bukkake, and I wish I could say this was a first in the Charles Band catalog, but it’s not. There are at least two other films I can think of off the top of my head that involve alien sperm, so ponder that for a while before you hit the break for the rest of the review.

Bullet to the Head (2013)

Starring Sylvester Stallone, Sung Kang, Sarah Shahi, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Jason Momoa, Christian Slater, Jon Seda, Holt McCallany, Brian Van Holt, Weronika Rosati, Dane Rhodes, Marcus Lyle Brown

Directed by Walter Hill

Expectations: Moderate and hopeful.

Bullet to the Head is a film that many will likely hate. Its story is convoluted and dumb, it’s needlessly gratuitous in its violence, and it looks more like an episode of a crime-themed TV show than a movie. But despite the odds stacked against it, Bullet to the Head succeeds by blunt force. This is far from being a good, well-made film, but it’s entertaining in all the right ways as long as you’re able to get into its groove. If nothing else, it should be impressive that Stallone is able to hold his own on-screen at 67 years old against people half his age.

Bullet to the Head opens with a hit. James Bonomo (Sylvester Stallone) and his partner bust into a posh hotel room and quickly dispatch of the man inside. For reasons unexplained, James does not take out the sole witness to their crime, a woman hiding in the shower. When they go to get paid they find that the job was a set-up, as another hitman (Jason Momoa) kills James’s partner and almost does the same to James. Meanwhile, Taylor (Sung Kang), a cop from Washington DC travels to New Orleans to investigate the murder of his ex-partner (AKA the man killed in the opening hit). But while the New Orleans Police Department is standing in his way, Taylor finds an unlikely partner in James.