Arnold Schwarzenegger

Conan the Destroyer (1984)

Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Grace Jones, Wilt Chamberlain, Mako, Tracey Walter, Sarah Douglas, Olivia d’Abo, Pat Roach, Jeff Corey, Sven-Ole Thorsen, Bruce Fleischer, Ferdy Mayne

Directed by Richard Fleischer

Expectations: Super low.

On the general scale:

On the B-movie scale:

Sequels are tricky business, perhaps harder to get right than the first film in a franchise. Conan the Destroyer is a film that had all the odds stacked against it right from the get-go, as it had the burden of attempting to follow one of the greatest fantasy motion pictures of all time. So instead of trying to bang out a rehash of the first film, the new creative team decided to go in a completely different direction. Conan the Destroyer represents a different side of Conan, much like many of Robert E. Howard’s original stories that represent an unexplored side of the character at different places in his life. Conan the Destroyer is definitely not anywhere near as awesome or as well-made as Milius’s original film, but it is a nearly non-stop parade of B-Movie fun.

Conan the Destroyer presents us with a story that Conan gets mixed up in, not one that is integral to the character. This immediately hampers the film from being the deeply resonant tale of woe and revenge that the first film was, but that’s OK — this one has crystal castles, wizards and crazy monsters! While praying at an altar, Queen Taramis of Shadizar sends in her guards to attack Conan. He easily bests them, slicing their nets and punching their horses. Upon his victory, the Queen tells him of a quest, one that if he succeeds will allow her to resurrect Valeria from the dead. Wanting nothing more than Valeria back in his life, Conan agrees and we’re off on a thrilling fantasy adventure.

The Last Stand (2013)

Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Forest Whitaker, Eduardo Noriega, Jaimie Alexander, Luis Guzmán, Rodrigo Santoro, Johnny Knoxville, Peter Stormare, Zach Gilford, Génesis Rodríguez, Daniel Henney, Tait Fletcher, John Patrick Amedori, Harry Dean Stanton

Directed by Kim Jee-Woon

Expectations: Extremely high.

It’s Sheriff Ray Owens’ day off, and he’s hoping for a quiet one. Y’know the kind, you hit the town diner for a quick bite and then just sorta mosey around doing whatever it is that feels right at the time. What he doesn’t know is that Gabriel Cortez, a reckless drug lord, has just broken free from FBI custody and is now speeding down the highway directly towards Ray’s town. But what Cortez doesn’t know is that Arnold is a bad motherfucker.

Check your logical mind at the door and get ready for an old school throwback featuring the king of ’80s action movies himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger. The Last Stand is not a perfect film, but if you dig real cars exploding and doing stunts (not necessarily at the same time) then this will entertain. The film also features a healthy amount of gun violence and even some interesting hand-to-hand. I wouldn’t go so far as to call it “a movie with it all” but as an ’80s action throwback/western/comedy it definitely throws a lot at you. Believability never mattered in the ’80s and it also doesn’t matter in The Last Stand. Whatever it takes to get a bazooka and a mini-gun on-screen, I’m completely fine with in this type of movie.

Conan the Barbarian (1982)

Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, James Earl Jones, Max von Sydow, Sandahl Bergman, Ben Davidson, Cassandra Gava, Gerry Lopez, Mako, Valérie Quennessen, William Smith, Luis Barboo, Franco Columbu, Leslie Foldvary

Directed by John Milius

Expectations: Extremely high.

Conan the Barbarian opens with a quote from Friedrich Nietzsche, “That which does not kill us makes us stronger.” A far better actor than many give him credit for, Conan the Barbarian provided Arnold Schwarzenegger a chance at destiny. The films leading him to the role of Conan were of varying quality, but the fires of Pumping Iron or The Jayne Mansfield Story tested, trained and forged the steel of his resolve like the steel of the sword that is forged during Conan‘s opening credits. These experiences shaped Arnold into the hulking beast of a man awaiting his rightful place in the spotlight of Hollywood’s explosive action films. He seized this opportunity like a champion, delivering a muscular, vengeful performance that continues to resonate over 30 years later. Conan the Barbarian is a stunning achievement, and one of my favorite films.

Conan the Barbarian tells a very simple tale, but like all great fantasy stories, there is a focus on grand adventure that sets Conan apart from other films of its vintage. Watching it this time, it reminded me a lot of Richard Donner’s Superman, in that it takes a story that many would have made into a trashy genre film and treats it with respect and verisimilitude. Conan is not a B-Movie with swords, it’s an epic journey of revenge across the wide plains of Hyboria.

Raw Iron: The Making of Pumping Iron (2002)

rawiron_1 Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Lou Ferrigno, Mike Katz, Franco Columbu, George Butler, Joe Weider, Bill Grant, Ken Waller, Reg Park, Ed Corney, Matty Ferrigno, Liev Schreiber, Sylvester Stallone, Bud Cort

Directed by Dave & Scott McVeigh

Expectations: Moderate.

I’m not in the habit of reviewing DVD extras, but this one seemed juicy enough considering I’ve covered all the other Arnold-related bodybuilding films. I’m hesitant to rate it, though, as it’s hard to really quantify its quality as a film. In any case, I really enjoyed watching it, and I think any big fan of Pumping Iron or Arnold would enjoy it too. So a definite thumbs up, but I’m going to forgo the stars this time.

There were over 100 hours of footage shot for Pumping Iron, so Raw Iron takes a different approach to the “Making of” documentary. Instead of simply gathering a bunch of people to talk to the camera and tell their stories, Raw Iron actually tells its story through deleted footage from the film. These scenes were kept in the vault until Raw Iron‘s release for Pumping Iron‘s 25th anniversary. This deleted footage is mostly great, too, from an unused sub-plot with Arnold trying to teach Harold and Maude‘s Bud Cort how to pump up in the gym, to the film’s bodybuilders posing on top of a Malibu mountain while listening to Arnold pontificate about “the pump.” It’s great fun to see all this unused footage.

The Comeback (1980)

The Comeback (1980)
AKA Total Rebuild

Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tom Platz, Frank Zane, Dennis Tinerino, Boyer Coe, Mike Mentzer, Samir Bannout, Roger Walker, Roy Callendar, Ken Waller, Tony Emmott, Chris Dickerson, Casey Viator, Ed Corney, Roy Duval, Danny Padilla, Bill Pearl

Directed by Kit Laughlin

Expectations: Moderate.

The Comeback is a short film that caught a choice moment in the history of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Just a few weeks before filming for Conan the Barbarian began, on the precipice of true Hollywood stardom, Arnold decided that since he was already pumped up for that barbaric role, he’d challenge himself to prepare for a Mr. Olympia competition in only eight weeks. Most of the competitors train for at least a year to compete in this competition, but Arnold had six wins under his belt already (the sixth was the one featured in Pumping Iron), and he had the cocky, self-assured attitude to go with the accolades.

The Jayne Mansfield Story (1980)

Starring Loni Anderson, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ray Buktenica, Kathleen Lloyd, G.D. Spradlin, Dave Shelley, Laura Jacoby, Whitney Rydbeck, John Medici

Directed by Dick Lowry

Expectations: Very low.

There are many places that I expected the filmography of Arnold Schwarzenegger to take me, but a TV biopic about Jayne Mansfield was definitely not one of them. I’d love to say that it’s a hidden gem, but it’s barely engaging, let alone entertaining. It’s not especially bad or anything, and maybe if I was really into Jayne Mansfield I’d find it more interesting. It’s just so… “TV movie,” which translates to “more often than not boring and hard to get through.” The budget is small, so don’t expect much more than people talking about things about to happen (or that have just happened) and then a slow fade into the next dialogue scene taking place before (or after) another major event. I can’t really hold this against the film anymore than I could be mad at a horror movie for having gore, but it was pretty trying on my patience.

The story here is the basic “starry-eyed unknown becomes a star” storyline, but the interesting aspect of Jayne Mansfield’s story is her untimely death at age 34 and her ability to drive publicity through playing up her sexuality. The film wisely starts on the night of the car crash that killed her, drawing in the audience by showing us a glimpse of where Mansfield was mentally before showing us how she got there. This isn’t especially original, but it’s an effective storytelling device and it works very well here. It also serves to introduce Arnold’s character, setting him up as our narrator (yes, you read that right) as we venture back to an earlier time when Mansfield wasn’t a star.

Scavenger Hunt (1979)

Starring Richard Benjamin, James Coco, Cloris Leachman, Cleavon Little, Roddy McDowall, Richard Mulligan, Scatman Crothers, Tony Randall, Dirk Benedict, Willie Aames, Stephanie Faracy, Richard Masur, Maureen Teefy, Robert Morley, Hal Landon Jr., Vincent Price, Meat Loaf, Avery Schreiber, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ruth Gordon

Directed by Michael Schultz

Expectations: Low.

Hey you vultures! You want a review of Scavenger Hunt? Well, alright then! I’ll give you one! You’ve got till 5 PM Pacific Time to collect all kinds of crazy stuff and bring it back here, and whoever has the most points wins!

Here’s what you’re looking for:

Toilet	Stuffed Fish	Fake Teeth	Kayak	Teddy Bear
Hockey Stick	Jack in the Box Head	Safe	Suit of Armor	Police Uniform
Nitrous Oxide	Cash Register	Ostrich	Basketball Hoop	Bulletproof Vest
Medicine Ball	Wedding Dress	Innertube	Pedal Car	Foxtail
Cowbell	Piñata	Brass Instrument	Rolls Royce Grill	Microscope
Safety Cone	Totem Pole	Moose Head	Baby Carriage	The Fattest Person You Can Find

……….AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNND GO! Good luck!

Update: 5 PM has come and gone! It’s all over, folks! Hit the break for the review… you’ve earned it!