Reviews by Author

Double Dragon (1994)

Starring Robert Patrick, Mark Dacascos, Scott Wolf, Kristina Wagner, Julia Nickson, Alyssa Milano, Nils Allen Stewart, Henry Kingi, John Mallory, Leon Russom, Jeff Imada, Al Leong

Directed by James Yukich

Expectations: Not much.

On the general scale:

On the B-movie scale:

Well, it started out pretty good, but then it just kept going and going and going. Double Dragon is such a shit movie, but it’s also not without some trashy charm. I can’t completely hate a movie with any sort of martial art component, and while Double Dragon features far less actual fighting than there should be, the fights it had were entertaining enough.

As much as I’d like to say that the film follows the video game’s plot, it does not. I’m not sure if a movie opening with a girl getting punched in the stomach, slung over a shoulder and then carried off by a gang of thugs would do very well, but the following 90 minutes of straight fighting through warehouses and forests would’ve been something to see. There’s no way this team could have effectively pulled that off, but I would’ve loved to seen them try. Instead we get to revel in the gloriously awful plot they’ve cooked up for the under-10 audience and your ~~enjoyment~~ disappointment.

Stephen reviews: Transformers: The Movie (1986)

transformers Starring Judd Nelson, Leonard Nimoy, Robert Stack, Orson Welles, Eric Idle, Lionel Stander, John Moschitta, Peter Cullen, Frank Welker

Directed by Nelson Shin

It is the year 2005. The treacherous Decepticons have conquered the Autobot’s home planet of Cybertron. But, from secret staging grounds on two of Cybertron’s moons, the valiant Autobots prepare to retake their home land.

How much more of an introduction do you want? We have a short and simple explanation of everything we need to know right at the opening. Actually, I lie. That introduction comes after the opening credits. Prior to that, we’re treated to an awesome display of carnage as the planet Unicron swoops down and quite literally devours another planet full of peaceful, happy robots, and their peaceful, happy robot children. Don’t bother wondering why or how these robots have children, because they’re all dead within the first five minutes of the movie. Now how many films, let alone kid’s films, begin with the eradication of an entire planet?

Right at the outset, this film establishes an epic scope, and the rest of the film lives up to it admirably. Even beyond having a carnivorous planet, the war between the Autobots and Decepticons rages to new heights as a simple supply run to Earth quickly turns into a massacre, killing off several primary characters from the TV series. It may not have as much impact on strangers to the franchise, but fans knew for certain this movie meant business when such a staple character as Ironhide got wasted.

Timecop (1994)

Starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, Mia Sara, Ron Silver, Bruce McGill, Gloria Reuben, Scott Bellis, Jason Schombing, Scott Lawrence, Kenneth Welsh, Brent Woolsey, Brad Loree

Directed by Peter Hyams

Expectations: JCVD is always a good time.

On the general scale:

On the B-movie scale:

If I could go back in time and tell my young self one thing, it would be to re-watch Timecop. I remember seeing Timecop when it was first released to VHS, and being very disappointed with it. I can’t remember why, but I know that my expectations were through the roof at the time. It’s a movie called Timecop for Christ’s sake, even then I was powerless against something so instantly enticing. But now after re-watching it, I don’t know what movie I watched back then, because I clearly should have loved this movie. It’s easily one of Van Damme’s best films, and while I won’t argue that it’s a great movie, it is definitely a great, stupid action movie.

That last sentence is a great example of how much my mindset has changed on films, and perhaps when I first saw it at around age 13, I had begun to lose the eyes of a child and had started to expect more from movies. It took me a while, but over the last couple of years while running this website, I have successfully regained my ability to just sit back and have a good time. I also think I disliked Timecop initially because of my undying love for Bloodsport. I don’t know how much I’ve talked about it here on Silver Emulsion, but I love Bloodsport more than most movies. If I were to make a Top 10 Favorite Films list, it’d definitely make the cut and be near the top, as there are few films I find as solidly entertaining as Bloodsport. I remember looking forward to each subsequent Van Damme release, hoping that one of them would reach the heights of Bloodsport. None ever did, although some, like Kickboxer, Hard Target, or Lionheart, satisfied me enough to make the grade as “awesome JCVD films.” So really I think it came down to me once again looking for another Bloodsport-quality experience and not finding it here. But enough about the me of nearly 20 years ago.

Story of Ricky (1991)

Story of Ricky [力王] (1991)
AKA Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky, Riki-Oh, Lik Wong, King of Strength

Starring Fan Siu-Wong, Fan Mei-Sheng, William Ho Ka-Kui, Yukari Oshima, Tetsuro Tamba, Gloria Yip Wan-Yee, Phillip Kwok Chun-Fung, Lam Suet, Koichi Sugisaki, Frankie Chan Chi-Leung, Chan Ging, Chan Kwok-Bong, Chang Gan-Wing, Lam Kai-Wing

Directed by Lam Nai-Choi

Expectations: High. It’s been too long since I’ve seen this.

By 2001 AD, capitalistic countries have privatized all government organizations. Prisons, like car-parks, have become franchised business…

Just like real life!

Like Escape From New York, Story of Ricky tells the story of a man being sent to prison. But unlike Snake Plissken, Ricky holds the ability to literally punch through anything, and he does just that in nearly every one of his scenes in the film. And when I say anything, I mean it. The dude puts his fist through everything it comes in contact with: heads, walls, prison bars, stomachs, elbows, other fists… the list goes on. The amount of insanely over-the-top gore is off the chart, making Story of Ricky an absolute must-see.

Death Race 2000 (1975)

Starring David Carradine, Simone Griffeth, Sylvester Stallone, Mary Woronov, Roberta Collins, Martin Kove, Louisa Moritz, Don Steele, Joyce Jameson, Carle Bensen, Sandy McCallum

Directed by Paul Bartel

Expectations: High. It’s one of the most famous low-budget movies of the ’70s! Of course I’m excited!

On the general scale:

On the B-movie scale:

Do you have a buxom beauty of a navigator sitting by your side as you read this review? No? Well, then you’re doing it wrong! That’s the only way to successfully make your way through the Annual Transcontinental Death Race! Death Race 2000 is a movie that defies all expectations and delivers pretty much non-stop fun throughout. There are moments here and there that don’t hold up as well as they would’ve nearly 40 years ago, but that’s OK; Death Race 2000 more than makes up for it with heaped-on excess and wonderful satire.

Death Race 2000 doesn’t really concern itself with setting up the world, and we’re dropped right into the race’s opening ceremonies as the film opens. We’re introduced to all the crazy drivers and their wacky cars, and instantly I realized that this was not the dystopian version of the future I had expected, where American spectators rallied around a show that glorified vehicular violence. Instead, Death Race 2000 is a dystopian version of the future by way of Wacky Races, where American spectators rally around a show that glorifies vehicular violence. It’s a fine line, but it makes a world of difference.

Stephen reviews: Patlabor: the Movie (1988)

patlabor1 Patlabor: the Movie [機動警察パトレイバー劇場版] (1988)
AKA Patlabor 1

Starring Miina Tominaga, Daisuke Gouri, Issei Futamata, Kouji Tsujitani, Michihiro Ikemizu, Osamu Saka, Ryunosuke Ohbayashi, Shigeru Chiba

Directed by Mamoru Oshii

This film takes place back in 1999 when the police used giant robots called labors, hence the abbreviation of “patrol labor” into patlabor. What, you don’t remember getting pulled over by a giant robot? Man, if you were that drunk, then you really did deserve that ticket.

The film is a sequel to the TV series of the same name, but it stands on its own very well. I could tell that the characters and their roles had already been established, but I never felt too far out of the loop to understand the plot. The story itself is the primary focus of the film, and while the characters definitely have their personalities, it never focuses on any one person for very long. Instead it focuses on an investigation that the entire team is working on, with all the characters performing different duties.

Escape from New York (1981)

Starring Kurt Russell, Lee Van Cleef, Ernest Borgnine, Donald Pleasence, Isaac Hayes, Season Hubley, Harry Dean Stanton, Adrienne Barbeau, Tom Atkins, Charles Cyphers

Directed by John Carpenter

Expectations: High. I love John Carpenter movies.

In 1988, the crime rate in the United States rises four hundred percent. The once-great city of New York becomes the one maximum-security prison for the entire country. A fifty-foot containment wall is erected along the New Jersey shoreline, across the Harlem river, and down along the Brooklyn shoreline. It completely surrounds Manhattan Island. All bridges and waterways are mined. The United States Police Force, like an army, is encamped around the island. There are no guards inside the prison: only prisoners and the worlds they have made. The rules are simple. Once you go in, you don’t come out.

1997. Now.

John Carpenter’s Escape from New York has what is perhaps one of the greatest premises in movie history. When terrorists hijack Air Force One and crash-land it in the middle of the Manhattan Island Prison, Lee Van Cleef makes a deal with hero-turned-criminal Snake Plissken. For the safe return of the president, Plissken will get a full pardon. But he’s only got 24 hours to get the job done or else two capsules in his neck will explode. See, I told you it was awesome.