Rating: 2 Stars

Bowery Boy (1940)

Starring Dennis O’Keefe, Louise Campbell, Jimmy Lydon, Helen Vinson, Roger Pryor, Paul Hurst, Frederick Burton

Directed by William Morgan

Expectations: Moderate.

On the general scale:

On the B-movie scale:

In the grand scheme of things, Bowery Boy is just a forgettable piece of entertainment that time forgot. It’s a well-made B-picture, and it is never once boring in its short 53-minute runtime, but it lacks that special quality which makes an older film attract new fans over the years. Bowery Boy is not unique in this situation; there are literally hundreds of films like this that fade away from our collective consciousness with each passing moment. So what caused me to dredge up this film that never even rated a VHS release? Sam Fuller.

Bowery Boy tells the story of Oklahoman Dr. Tom O’Hara (Dennis O’Keefe) who lands a job managing a public health clinic in the Bowery neighborhood of New York City. The people there are poor, and the streets are filled with shady individuals and a whole mess of young hoodlums. On his first day on the job, O’Hara is hit in the face with a hurled tomato and the kids completely strip his car of anything worth selling. When he should be angry at the injustice of the situation, O’Hara is the ultimate selfless doctor. He doesn’t care much for his pride or his possessions, as long as he is able to serve the members of the community. His confidence that he can win their respect through quality medicine is strong. But things really start to turn sour when a gangster asks O’Hara to approve delivery of rotten food products to the Bowery. O’Hara flatly refuses, but as we all know from watching films, gangsters have ways of getting what they want.

Seedpeople (1992)

Seedpeople (1992)
AKA Dark Forest, Devil Seed

Starring Sam Hennings, Andrea Roth, Dane Witherspoon, Bernard Kates, Holly Fields, John Mooney, Anne Betancourt, David Dunard, Charles Bouvier, Sonny Carl Davis, J. Marvin Campbell

Directed by Peter Manoogian

Expectations: Moderate, but how can a movie called Seedpeople not be good?

On the general scale:

On the B-movie scale:

It is true that Seedpeople is a variation on Invasion of the Body Snatchers and Piranha, but when the main villains roll around in seed pods and spring out with limbs outstretched to snare another puny human in their mind-control scheme to re-populate the Earth, these types of concerns are pointless. Seedpeople is a film designed for pure fun, and for those willing to get down and dirty with it at its level, it will provide a plethora of hilarity and good times in a slim 81-minute package.

Our main character is a geologist who’s staying in the remote town of Comet Valley to give a talk on meteorites to the Fireball Club. The town was founded on the site where a comet hit the Earth, and recent meteor showers have ignited the townspeople’s desire to hunt meteorites and sell them or collect them or whatever. Meanwhile, there’s some kind of flower spores growing in a resident’s orchard trees. Late at night a man comes by to turn on the water, and instead gets a massive load of plant sperm spewed all over him. It’s a literal alien bukkake, and I wish I could say this was a first in the Charles Band catalog, but it’s not. There are at least two other films I can think of off the top of my head that involve alien sperm, so ponder that for a while before you hit the break for the rest of the review.

Teen Knight (1999)

Teen Knight (1999)
AKA Medieval Park

Starring Kris Lemche, Caterina Scorsone, Benjamin Plener, Paul Soles, Kimberly Pullis, Marc Robinson, Claudiu Trandafir, Dan Fintescu, Eugen Cristea, Sandu Mihai Gruia, Mihai Verbintschi

Directed by Phil Comeau

Expectations: Moderately high.

On the general scale:

On the B-movie scale:

Are you looking for lackluster, boring sword fighting? How about a story mash-up of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Jurassic Park? Wizards throwing hadoukens? Ah ha! I knew that’d get your attention. Just don’t expect many hadoukens, because if I get you all fired up for a fantasy-based Street Fighter I’ll never hear the end of the disappointment I’ve brought into the world as thousands storm their local Redboxs in search of a nonexistent hadouken-filled film. But a few hadoukens is better than no hadoukens, right?

The film opens in the year 1383, as the evil Lord Raykin is rakin’ his yard. OK, he’s not rakin’ anything (other than Lord Raykin :)), but he is being thrown into a horse-drawn prison cart along with his evil wizard buddy. As you might expect an evil lord to do, he asks his wizard to get them out of yet another fine mess that he’s gotten them into. The wizard laments that their captors have stripped him of his amulets, he’s powerless, yadda yadda yadda. But then he whips out a magical jewel says a few words and shoots green lasers out of his eyes! So I guess he just needed to vent his frustration before showing the evil lord that he still had the juice. For reasons of world domination or general conquest or whatever, Lord Raykin desires the castle of Prince William. Now here’s where it gets really crazy. The evil wizard casts a spell to change the castle’s crest to Raykin’s, thus allowing them to call the castle back in time whenever he wants so that he can make one more attempt at becoming the king of the castle. Someone get this Raykin guy a medieval Lego set and call it a day.

Hats Off (1936)

Starring Mae Clarke, John Payne, Helen Lynd, Luis Alberni, Richard ‘Skeets’ Gallagher, Franklin Pangborn, Robert Middlemass, George Irving, Clarence Wilson

Directed by Boris Petroff

Expectations: Low.

When I first discovered classic films, I agreed with the sentiment that “They just don’t make them like they used to.” Over the years, I’ve come to realize that it’s not necessarily that films were better in the past, but that it’s only the top-level works that survive the passage of time. That took me a long time to come around to, but Hats Off is a perfect example of this principle. Of course, it wasn’t made with this intent, but viewing it over 75 years after its production definitely adds a different flavor.

Hats Off is centered around twin cities in Texas, Hempstead and Bradfield. Both towns are building large expositions, which are like small versions of a world’s fair type of event. Each town is racing to get their expo open first, and not only that, but to have them open with the biggest bang. To get this job done, both towns employ a press agent to get their expo into the newspapers. Oh, and this is a musical so there’s quite a few musical breaks throughout.

Kull the Conqueror (1997)

Starring Kevin Sorbo, Tia Carrere, Thomas Ian Griffith, Litefoot, Roy Brocksmith, Harvey Fierstein, Karina Lombard, Edward Tudor-Pole, Douglas Henshall, Joe Shaw, Sven-Ole Thorsen

Directed by John Nicolella

Expectations: Pretty low.

On the general scale:

On the B-movie scale:

I may be one of the few to ever say this, but I loved Kull the Conqueror. Perhaps thanks in part to my incredibly muted expectations, I found Kull the Conqueror to be relentlessly fun. Around every corner was something to excite and entertain, both in ways expected and unexpected. I can’t go so far as to call it a good movie, though, it’s definitely in the B-Movie camp and those inclined to scoff at these kinds of films will definitely scoff throughout Kull the Conqueror. But the movie is clearly designed to be a load of fun instead of being something hyper realistic, so when taken as such it gets the job done exceptionally well.

Our story begins in a dimly lit camp where Kull (Kevin Sorbo) is battling some dudes. We’re led to believe he’s fighting for his life, but this quickly proves to be untrue. In fact, Kull is getting jumped into the King’s elite guard, but after facing the King’s general in one-on-one sword combat, Kull is refused entry because he is not of noble birth. Meanwhile, the king is going crazy and slaughtering his children, so everyone heads over there and through some unexpected turns of fate, Kull ends up with the king’s crown and title. Say what?

A Return to Salem’s Lot (1987)

Starring Michael Moriarty, Ricky Addison Reed, Samuel Fuller, Andrew Duggan, Evelyn Keyes, Jill Gatsby, June Havoc, Ronee Blakley, James Dixon, David Holbrook, Katja Crosby, Tara Reid

Directed by Larry Cohen

Expectations: Moderate. I’m interested, but I hear it’s dumb.

On the general scale:

On the B-movie scale:

A Return to Salem’s Lot is like the much trashier stepchild of Salem’s Lot, as the two stories are definitely not of the same lineage. This “sequel” to Salem’s Lot bears no resemblance in any way to the novel or the Tobe Hooper-directed TV adaptation, other than the name of the town and the fact that there are vampires around. No one mentions any of the previous film’s events or characters; even the foreboding representation of evil in the town, the Marsten House, is oddly missing. This would lead a viewer to believe that the companies behind A Return to Salem’s Lot didn’t own the rights to the novel or something, but in the end none of this really matters if you’re a B-Movie fan.

A Return to Salem’s Lot was directed by B-Movie legend Larry Cohen. My knowledge of his films is still rather sparse at best, but I can attest to the fact that what I have seen has been pure gold. His script for William Lustig’s classic Maniac Cop is superb, and his film The Stuff is the best film you’ll ever see about killer yogurt. A Return to Salem’s Lot is definitely not in that upper echelon of B-Movies, but I found more than enough to be intrigued and entertained by.

Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama (1988)

Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama (1988)
AKA The Imp, Beast You!

Starring Andras Jones, Linnea Quigley, Robin Stille, Hal Havins, John Stuart Wildman, Brinke Stevens, Michelle Bauer, Kathi O’Brecht, Carla Baron, George ‘Buck’ Flower, Michael Sonye

Directed by David DeCoteau

Expectations: Pretty high.

On the general scale:

On the B-movie scale:

Hmm… I thought there’d be more bowling. But despite a lack of bowling in a film boasting a “Bowl-O-Rama” in its title, Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama is an absolute B-Movie gold mine. If you enjoy watching thin ’80s characters run away from demons more hilarious than scary, then this one fits the bill rather nicely. Everyone else will probably not make it past the first few minutes, but I’d say that anyone willfully sitting down to a movie titled Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama probably knows what they’re getting themselves into.

Instead of opening with sorority babes or bowling, Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama opens in the dorm room of three dudes that don’t have a whole heck of a lot going on. The ultra nerd, Calvin, is watching Dreamaniac on TV, the fat guy, Jimmie, is laying back with a six-pack of brewskies, and the horny guy, Keith, is deep in an issue of Penthouse. But Keith’s got a secret up his sleeve: the location of the Delta Delta Delta (AKA Felta Delta) sorority initiation and the perfect vantage point to sneak a peek.