Rating: 1.5 Stars

Johnny Mysto: Boy Wizard (1997)

Starring Lane Toran, Russ Tamblyn, Michael Ansara, Amber Tamblyn, Ian Abercrombie, Patrick Renna, Pat Crawford Brown, Jack Donner, Magda Catone

Directed by Jeff Burr

Expectations: Magic!

On the general scale:

On the B-movie scale:

Like many of the Moonbeam films, Johnny Mysto: Boy Wizard features a teen that time travels back to medieval times and saves the day. At this point, I guess I should assume that’s going to be the plot until I see otherwise. Anyway, Johnny Mysto: Boy Wizard differentiates itself by its main character’s magical aspirations and its complete lack of logical sense. It’s a good thing I don’t necessarily care about logic in B-Movies, otherwise this review would be a lot of complaining about how the villain’s motivations were unclear and nonsensical. So let me get this straight — they’re stealing peasants from the countryside to make doll-faced automatons out of them? Huh? Clearly, the important point here is “doll-faced automatons,” and that the henchmen soldiers ride around on horses wearing skeleton suits (and yes, that’s the horses wearing the skeleton suits).

The film begins in medieval times, as a girl is chased through the woods by the aforementioned soldiers. She manages to escape for long enough to slip into a hidden hole in the ground. Turns out that inside this seemingly nondescript hole in the ground is the one and only wizard Merlin! The girl has brought Merlin a mirror and through the magic of flexible movie logic, Merlin is able to transfer power through the mirror to an unborn child a thousand years in the future. And wouldn’t ya know, that kid turns out to be Johnny Mysto (Lane Toran)!

Mini-Review: Terminator: Genisys (2015)

Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jason Clarke, Emilia Clarke, Jai Courtney, J.K. Simmons, Dayo Okeniyi, Matt Smith, Courtney B. Vance, Byung-hun Lee

Directed by Alan Taylor

Expectations: Absolutely zero.

Terminator: Genisys goes to great lengths to craft a story that can serve as both a reboot and a sequel to Cameron’s original movies, and while this is initially promising, it quickly becomes ridiculously convoluted and lost in a sea of nearly unending exposition and nostalgia hooks. In the end, I felt rather indifferent about the whole thing. I mean, I definitely didn’t like it, but it was entertaining in a generic science fiction manner (and I always enjoy watching Arnold do pretty much anything). It’s really missing the feeling of dread and inevitable apocalypse that permeates Cameron’s films, though, so it only feels like an approximation of a Terminator film and not an honest continuation.

The story begins in the Future War era in the hours before John Connor’s final assault on Skynet. Spoiler Alert: They destroy Skynet a few minutes into the movie! Woo hoo, that was easy! Roll the credits! But right before that happened, Skynet sent a T-800 to 1984 to take out Sarah Connor. Yes, this is the same Arnold Terminator that we all know from the original film. He said he’d be back, and he wasn’t lying! Anyway, mid-way through the 1984 Terminator’s encounter with the punks at the Griffith Observatory, an older Arnold Terminator comes over and starts blasting him with a shotgun! Whoa, what’s going on?

It does have a Terminator driving a truck, though.

This is just one of many direct connections with the Cameron originals, but before too long Terminator: Genisys moves in an entirely new direction. Unfortunately, this brings about a barrage of exposition that continues for most of the movie. It’s never a good sign when a movie explains tons of stuff to the viewer — film is a visual medium and all that — but Terminator: Genisys is mostly explanation! Which is weird because it’s also mostly action. I don’t know, I can’t explain it. There’s a scene where the heroes get their mug shots taken to the Cops theme Bad Boys, for God’s sake. What am I supposed to say to that?

Terminator: Genisys is just a strange film, and one that’s hard to understand no matter how you look at it. On one hand it’s an entertaining, inoffensive sci-fi action movie, but it’s also horrendously convoluted and without an ounce of character chemistry or heart. I give them kudos for going in an interesting direction with the franchise (as opposed to just following the basic Terminator framework like T3), but all it does is expose how they shouldn’t really be making any more Terminator movies.

Next up in this chronological journey through the films of Arnold Schwarzenegger is… some cameos! If I knew better I’d just skip these and move on to other things, but I don’t know better! I am going to speed it up by just doing Quick Take reviews of them, so Arnold will continue to hit these digital pages for a little while longer. Up next is Happy Anniversary and Goodbye, a 1974 TV Movie starring Lucille Ball and Art Carney, the Ivan Reitman film Dave, and a starring turn for Arnold’s lifelong friend Franco Columbu called Beretta’s Island! See ya then!

Little Ghost (1997)

Starring Jameson Baltes, Kristina Wayborn, Jim Fitzpatrick, Trishalee Hardy, Luc Leestemaker, Laura Bruneau, Rudy Rosenfeld

Directed by Linda Shayne

Expectations: I don’t know. Not much.

On the general scale:

On the B-movie scale:

Of all the Moonbeam films I’ve seen, Little Ghost is one of the most boring. It’s not a bad movie — it’s actually quite charming and sweet — but not that much of interest happens. I’m used to the Moonbeam films being chock full of weirdness and material that most parents would find questionable in a kids movie. Little Ghost doesn’t really have either, so if nothing else it’s different! But in actuality Little Ghost is super predictable, which is ironic given the line of narration that closes the film, “Things never turn out the way you think they will and that’s the fun of it.” B-B-B-But this was a super predictable movie and that was definitely not fun! Hahahaha, whatever, despite these clear issues, Little Ghost is still pretty watchable. Now that’s a resounding endorsement! Feel free to put that on the DVD cover if you ever release it, Full Moon!

Kevin (Jameson Baltes) and his mom Christine (Kristina Wayborn) used to be close, but now Christine’s got a new boyfriend, Tony (Jim Fitzpatrick), who’s manipulating her into opening a resort spa in a Slovenian castle. Yeah, really! But it’s not such an oddity, is it? I know when I’m picking out a spa to visit, I always consider the quality of its medieval masonry. 🙂 Parallel to this story, Kevin explores the castle and makes friends with the ghost of young Sophia (Trishalee Hardy). She once lived in the castle with her mother, who’s left her there to guard it from evil outsiders who would seek to desecrate it. But she’s just a little ghost, and for some unexplained reason (hint: because it’s a movie) she’s unable to do much more that simple parlor tricks like possessing the lawnmower or throwing tomatoes at Tony.

Grotesque (1988)

Starring Linda Blair, Tab Hunter, Donna Wilkes, Brad Wilson, Nels Van Patten, Sharon Hughes, Michelle Bensoussan, Guy Stockwell, Charles Dierkop, Chuck Morrell, Lincoln Tate, Robert Z’Dar, Robert Zoller

Directed by Joe Tornatore

Expectations: I hope it’s… grotesque!

On the general scale:

On the B-movie scale:

Grotesque is not a good movie. It’s quite hard to get through, and even a cast boasting genre favorites like Linda Blair and Robert Z’Dar can’t spice it up past bland. I could barely stay awake, and took multiple breaks to slap myself in the face. Part of the film’s problem is that it has almost no tension whatsoever, plus it’s one of those movies that can’t decide what it wants to be. I’m chuckling to myself as type this, though, as the film’s identity crisis is also why I ultimately didn’t end up completely hating Grotesque.

Grotesque doesn’t obscure how boring it’s going to be either; right from the first second I immediately wanted to snuggle into a pillow and count some sheep. An elderly woman dreamily narrates while we take in a dark, nighttime exterior shot of a house. This lasts nearly three minutes and by the end of it I felt ready to start collecting Social Security. But Grotesque has a trick up its sleeve; this Gothic, dreamy opening was all a big ruse! We were actually watching a rough cut of a film being shown to some studio execs, and now the real movie can begin!

Back Alley Princess (1973)

Back Alley Princess [馬路小英雄] (1973)

Starring Polly Kuan, Samuel Hui Koon-Kit, Lau Wing, Angela Mao, Lee Kwan, Tien Feng, Wang Lai, Tong Ching, Carter Wong, Wu Jia-Xiang, Han Ying-Chieh, Fung Ngai, Huang Chung-Hsin

Directed by Lo Wei

Expectations: Hmm?

Back Alley Princess feels like one of those movies that was popular in its day, but it’s hard for a modern viewer to see exactly why. It’s an odd mix of a light comedic tone, heavy drama involving a prostitution ring, and some martial arts action… none of which are of quality enough to stand on their own. Ordinarily a multi-genre film like this might have a story that strings it all together, but in the case of Back Alley Princess that didn’t seem to be too high of a priority (which is somewhat odd, because Lo Wei generally packs a lot of story twists and turns into his scripts).

What Back Alley Princess is full off is a whole lot of working-class strife. Chili Boy (Polly Kuan) — AKA Hot Pepper Kid in some translations — and Embroidered Pillow (Samuel Hui) are a team of con-men doing whatever they can to make a few bucks and survive on the streets of Hong Kong. This leads them to meet up with the martial arts troupe of Teacher Chiang (Tien Feng), who agrees to join up with Chili and Embroidered Pillow in the interest of making more money. But this isn’t really the foundation of a story, as the film’s main concern is seemingly to endear Chili Boy to the audience so Lo Wei can drive the point home how important family and community are to the individual.

The Sky Has Fallen (2009)

Starring Carey MacLaren, Laurel Kemper, Cory Knisely, Grant Anstine, Kevin Keppy, Nathan Shelton, Mickey Stone

Directed by Doug Roos

Expectations: None.

On the general scale:

On the B-movie scale:

I’m sure many visitors to Silver Emulsion have wondered why I sometimes watch films so far outside the mainstream cinema experience. My answer is always that I desire to see something unique and raw that would never make it into a big-budget production, and The Sky Has Fallen is a great example of this. Did I enjoy the film? Not really, but I’m not sorry I watched it. I doubt I will forget it anytime soon actually; it’s such a strange, unique movie that I kept watching to see if I could uncover what I thought might be happening in the story. The Sky Has Fallen is ultimately ambiguous about the origins of the creatures it contains (or I missed something 🙂 ), and that’s for the best. Now I can theorize and wonder, and the hooded figures (that kind of resembled the angels in the Diablo series of video games) will forever remain mysterious.

The Sky Has Fallen is essentially a zombie film, with a pair of characters doing their best to survive in the forest while the walking dead assault them. It’s a basic premise we’re all familiar with by this point. But flashes of bloody claw-like, knife hands quickly inform us that this is not a traditional zombie world. These zombies are kind of like experiments gone wrong, with mutated faces and metal scraps jammed into their severed limbs. Everything is achieved through physical FX work, too, so it all looks nicely ooey and gooey.

Girls in Prison (1994)

Starring Missy Crider, Anne Heche, Ione Skye, Bahni Turpin, Miguel Sandoval, Nicolette Scorsese, Jon Polito, Nestor Serrano, Richmond Arquette

Directed by John McNaughton

Expectations: None.

On the general scale:

On the B-movie scale:

Girls in Prison immediately announces itself as a schlocky, camp-driven film, and on that front it definitely delivers. It is a pastiche of the pantheon of prison films made over the years, perhaps most obviously the popular B-Movie “Women in Prison” films. I honestly haven’t seen any of those, so I can’t say for sure, but it’s pretty obvious, right? It’s gotta be. Anyway, as long as you’re OK with a lighthearted, B-Movie visit to the Big House, Girls in Prison is fine entertainment.

Our story begins like a fairy tale as the words, “Once upon a Time” come on-screen. We are sequentially introduced to three girls who do something to land them in the slammer. The whole tone is satirical, though, so even though people are getting literally stabbed in the back or beaten to death with a hammer, it brings a smile to your face because of the ridiculous nature of the acts. The film heightens reality in such a way that the fairy tale allusion makes total sense, too. This is clearly not meant to be our everyday world; it is a fantasy set in the realm of the B-movie.