Doll Graveyard (2005)

dollgraveyardposter6Starring Jared Kusnitz, Gabrielle Lynn, Kristyn Green, Anna Alicia Brock, Brian Lloyd, Scott Seymour, Ken Lyle, Hannah Marks

Directed by Charles Band

Expectations: Moderate. The puppets look interesting, but this is from the same year as the horrid Gingerdead Man.

On the general scale:

On the B-movie scale:

Doll Graveyard has perhaps one of my favorite and most fucked up setups in all of the Full Moon catalog. It’s also pretty implausible in the way that it turns into a horror movie, but that doesn’t really matter because it’s fun. I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again: fun overrides nearly everything in a low-budget movie. There are cases where the negative aspects are too overwhelming, but in Doll Graveyard the fun wins out easily. You can actively feel the point in the movie where the battle between good sense and fun collides, but thankfully Charles Band knew to keep this one short and sweet, so we’re in and out in about 71 minutes (12 of which are opening and closing credits).

So what’s that setup I started telling you about? Well, Doll Graveyard opens with a little girl playing with some exaggerated stereotype dolls in the entryway to her house. She’s got the full set: Ooga Booga, the African tribesman complete with a bone through his nose; a german soldier I took to calling “The Kaiser”; a shriveled-face, haunted looking samurai; and a porcelain baby doll. The girl breaks a vase and her father comes down the stairs, immediately verbally abusing her for playing in an area she’s been forbidden to play in. He takes her into the backyard and makes her bury her dolls. But here’s the kicker: the girl slips and falls into the hole she’s dug, hitting her head on the way down, and the father coldly looks at crumpled body and fills in the hole!

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Evil Bong 3: The Wrath of Bong (2011)

Starring Peter Stickles, John Patrick Jordan, Mitch Eakins, Brian Lloyd, Sonny Carl Davis, Michelle Mais, Circus-Szalewski, Irwin Keyes, Jacob Witkin, Robin Sydney

Directed by Charles Band

Expectations: High. Part 2 was great.

On the general scale:

On the B-Movie scale:

After the wonderful follow-up to the surprisingly enjoyable Evil Bong, I eagerly awaited the third film in the series. Perhaps the fact that I was disappointed is directly connected to these unrealistic expectations, or maybe it’s because I was unable to see the movie in the theater in glorious 3D and scratch-n-sniff aided Sniff-O-Rama! In any case, I was expecting some quality comedy and instead I got what amounts to a couple of good jokes and a lot of filler.

In one of the most epic opening scenes Full Moon has ever done, an alien meteorite/spaceship hurtles through the infinite cosmos on a collision course for Earth. Don’t worry, it’s small. The world isn’t in danger… or is it? This scene evokes a feeling of Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey with its space-faring visuals and haunting choral music, but this is where the similarities end. Inside this ship is an alien bong, hell-bent on controlling the Earth! So far, so good, but as soon as the bong makes its way to Brett and Bachman’s head shop, the movie starts to take a downward turn.

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Evil Bong 2: King Bong (2009)

Starring John Patrick Jordan, Amy Paffrath, Sonny Carl Davis, Brett Chukerman, Mitch Eakins, Brian Lloyd, Jacob Witkin, Robin Sydney, Michele Mais, Michael A. Shepard

Directed by Charles Band

Expectations: Moderate, I enjoyed the first.

On the general scale:

On the B-Movie scale:

Evil Bong 2 starts off with a short recap of the entire first film for those that didn’t see it or have pot-induced selective memory. In a low-budget film, this is usually a bad sign that the rest of the film’s runtime will be padded out as much as possible with stock footage and a general lack of imagination. It is a sequel after all. Evil Bong 2 goes the complete opposite direction after this opening though, delivering more laughs, more fun and more awesome Evil Bong action that you can shake a shitty tribal spear at!

Time has passed and the guys have moved into a new apartment, but not everything is coming up roses for our heroes. It seems the Evil Bong’s pot fantasies have had a lasting impact on their daily lives. They are afflicted with extreme versions of marijuana’s side effects: the munchies, loss of inhibition and narcolepsy. With nowhere left to turn, they call the delivery man who brought them the Evil Bong in the first film and then venture into the Amazon to find the birthplace of the Evil Bong itself! Only in a B-movie could a story take as many ridiculous twists and turns and still come out on top, but Evil Bong 2 does just that and succeeds remarkably at keeping the interest level high throughout.

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Evil Bong (2006)

Starring David Weidoff, John Patrick Jordan, Mitch Eakins, Brian Lloyd, Robin Sydney, Kristyn Green, Tommy Chong, Michelle Mais, Jacob Witkin, Kristen Caldwell, Phil Fondacaro, Tim Thomerson, Bill Moseley, Brandi Cunningham, Dana Danes, Gina-Raye Carter, Sonny Carl Davis

Directed by Charles Band

Expectations: Low, subterranean even. I expect nothing.

On the general scale:

On the B-Movie scale:

Bro, just the fact that I can write anything positive about a movie called Evil Bong is something of a miracle. As much as I love Full Moon movies, what I’ve seen of their recent output hasn’t been their best by any means, so I went into Evil Bong with a distinct trepidation. I’m sure the lowered expectations helped me in the long run, but after watching Evil Bong, it seems like all the pile-of-shit movie dread wasn’t warranted. Against the odds, Evil Bong is actually pretty enjoyable.

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