Bleed (2002)

bleed_1Starring Debbie Rochon, Danny Wolske, Allen Nabors, Orly Tepper, Ronnie Gene Blevins, Laura Nativo, Julie Strain, Brinke Stevens, Lloyd Kaufman

Directed by Devin Hamilton & Dennis Petersen

Expectations: Hopefully it doesn’t make my eyes bleed.

On the general scale:
onestar

On the B-movie scale:
onehalfstar


I’m racking my brain for a way to best describe Bleed, but all I’m getting back is the EBS test tone, and that sure isn’t helping me think. Bleed is a poor excuse for a movie, but at the same time it’s an easy movie to get through. Not in a “so bad it’s good” way, it’s just paced well and it shows enough promise to assume it will get interesting. I didn’t like Bleed, but I definitely didn’t hate it either. I wouldn’t call it boring because I was genuinely engaged, but it’s ultimately vapid and not worth watching because it takes all that potential and blows it to oblivion in the final minutes. I’d almost rather be bored than disrespected like that!

Bleed opens with a couple of bros leaving a house party. One is dressed as a cheap streetwalker, the other a maid. They part ways, and soon after someone in all black wearing an expressionless white mask slices the hooker upwards from his balls to his collarbone. It’s surprisingly gory for a Full Moon film, with entrails spilling out of the wound, but don’t get too excited gorehounds. Besides this moment there isn’t much more, but it’s worth noting that what gore there is looks relatively good given the film’s probable very low budget.

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Birth Rite (2003)

 

movie_250143

Starring Natalie Sutherland, Danny Wolske, Laura Nativo, Brinke Stevens, Larry Dirk, Julie Strain, Ronnie Gene Blevins, Kyle Lupo, Skye Stafford, Jennifer L. Johnson, Karen A. Smith, Chuck Kapinskis

Directed by Devin Hamilton

Expectations: Moderately high. I loved the trailer for this.

On the general scale:
twostar

On the B-movie scale:
threestar


I usually don’t find it hard to write about movies these days, but once in a while a movie stumps me. I sit in front of the computer, desperately doing anything other than write. I do this in an attempt to make it seem like I could be writing, but I’m just choosing not to. The whole time I know exactly what I’m doing: putting off the inevitable stare at the white screen of Notepad as I think of how to start writing about yet another movie.

It’s not that I didn’t like Birth Rite. I actually really enjoyed it. But it’s just one of those movies that’s not going to be all that fun to write about. I mean, it doesn’t have any suburban witches and warlocks practicing the dark arts in their garage, nor does it have magical amulets or creepy betrothals between a grown man and a six-year-old girl. Oh wait! It has all of those! Birth Rite was fun as shit!

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