Cemetery High (1989)

cemeteryhigh_1AKA Scumbusters, Hack’em High, Assault of the Killer Bimbos

Starring Debi Thibeault, Karen Nielsen, Lisa Schmidt, Simone, Ruth Collins, Tony Kruk, David Coughlin, Frank Stewart, Kristine Waterman, Michael Citriniti

Directed by Gorman Bechard

Expectations: Bechard’s other movies have been pretty good, so I’m hopeful.

On the general scale:
halfstar

On the B-movie scale:
onestar


Ah man, it’s been a while since I’ve seen a movie this bad. Cemetery High is awful, but in this case there’s something of a story that might explain why it came out as bad as it did. I don’t claim to know any specifics, but when the film’s director posts a public message on the film’s IMDB page stating how much he detests the film and how it was re-edited and drastically changed in post-production, you know something’s not right!

Cemetery High began its life as Assault on Killer Bimbos, and it was a dark, black comedy about a group of women killing scumbag men. For some reason, Band decided that the title should be used on another movie, one that it doesn’t really fit at all (especially after seeing how well it would’ve fit Cemetery High), so that’s how Assault of the Killer Bimbos got its name. Band apparently also wasn’t fond of the dark tone (which makes sense, his films are rarely dark), so he set about re-editing the film and re-shooting a bunch of stuff to make Cemetery High the “masterpiece” it is today! Gee, I can’t imagine why Cemetery High ended up as the final film in the relationship between director Gorman Bechard and Charles Band!

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Galactic Gigolo (1987)

galacticgigolo_6Galactic Gigolo (1987)
AKA Club Earth

Starring Carmine Capobianco, Debi Thibeault, Frank Stewart, Ruth Collins, Donna Davidge, Michael Citriniti, Tony Kruk, David Coughlin, Angela Nicholas, Barry Finkel, Todd Kimsey, J.E.L. Gitter, Don Sirasky, Bill Gillogly

Directed by Gorman Bechard

Expectations: Moderately high.

On the general scale:
twostar

On the B-movie scale:
twohalfstar


After a few weeks off from the Full Moon series, I wanted to come back with a bang — an intergalactic bang! Galactic Gigolo tells the story of Eoj, a traveler from the planet Kroywen who won a two-week trip to Prospect, CT (AKA “The Horniest Town in the Galaxy”). Its reputation is apparently legendary universe-wide. Eoj is a broccoli on Kroywen (which is populated entirely by sentient vegetables), but thankfully he has the ability to transform himself into anything imaginable while visiting Earth. For his trip to Prospect, he chooses the form of “The Loveable Sleaze-oid” (Carmine Capobianco) and creates quite the stir upon his arrival.

Contrary to what that plot description might lead you to believe, Galactic Gigolo is not a heartfelt, emotional drama. I know… hard to believe. No, Galactic Gigolo is a dumb, stupid, low-brow sex comedy, and I mean that in the best way possible. Galactic Gigolo knows exactly how wild and absurd its premise is, and it revels in that. Therefore, it can be a bit disconcerting if you’re not ready for it. Even if you are properly prepared, it’s still not as funny as it thinks it is, but it’s all in good fun, and it’s definitely the best space-faring sex comedy about a shapeshifting broccoli that I’ve ever seen. The climax is a series of Three Stooges style gags and a bunch of pies to the face, so that should tell you right there if the movie is right for you.

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Psychos in Love (1987)

Starring Carmine Capobianco, Debi Thibeault, Cecelia Wilde, Robert Suttile, Lum Chang Pang, Danny Noyes, Herb Klinger, Wally Gribauskas, Peach Gribauskas, LeeAnne Baker, Michael Citriniti

Directed by Gorman Bechard

Expectations: Low, but it has a funny title, so who knows?

On the general scale:

On the B-movie scale:


The ’80s were a special time for film. Low-budget cinema came to a real prominence thanks to the home video market, paving the way for fun, depraved movies like this. Psychos in Love was the labor of love of director Gorman Bechard, who shot the film when he had free weekends on the ends of film from other productions (a common cost-saving method when low-budget stuff was still shot on film). The film’s star Carmine Capobianco also co-wrote the film, composed the film’s music and helped out on the FX duties. The methods of production remind me greatly of another filmmaker’s 1987 shot-on-free-weekends film, Peter Jackson’s Bad Taste, but Psychos in Love unfortunately didn’t lead Bechard to ascend to quite Peter Jackson heights. Based on the quality of the filmmaking on display here, he should at least be something of a known quantity in the industry, instead of a largely unknown filmmaker with a few other credits to his name (two of which I’ll eventually visit on my trek through the Empire/Full Moon catalog).

So what is Psychos in Love about, you ask? Well… psychos in love, of course! Joe is a strip club owner who kills random women on the side, and Kate is a manicurist who murders random men on the side. They both hate grapes too, so naturally they get along famously and begin a serious relationship. To say any more would betray the film, as plot and narrative aren’t exactly the strong point of Psychos in Love. It’s not that what’s here is bad, it’s just very light on story. There’s a point where it feels like a traditional narrative could have naturally grown out of the introduction of a third killer, but instead of a genuine plot, it becomes merely a single scene later in the film that’s nothing more than funny.

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