Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)

t3_1Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Nick Stahl, Claire Danes, Kristanna Loken, David Andrews, Mark Famiglietti, Earl Boen

Directed by Jonathan Mostow

Expectations: I remember liking the crane chase and the ending… and not much else.

twostar


If you’ve seen Terminator 2, you will know that by all accounts there shouldn’t be a Terminator 3. They destroyed everything related to the Terminators and Skynet, averting Judgement Day and saving the world from a future robot war. “But what if–” said the greedy executive, “What if they only pushed Judgement Day back?” Herein lies the foundation of Terminator 3, and it’s a rocky, unstable one at best. So understanding that this is where the film is coming from, it makes complete sense that it’s something of a mess.

What’s a little harder to take as a Terminator fan is how the film gives John Conner amnesia about the terminators. He actually asks Arnold’s T-800 if he remembers him! Remember him? John, don’t you remember the Terminator that came to save you as a teenager was lowered into a vat of molten lava? This one’s completely different! I can understand a normal person making this kind of error, but the future leader of the human resistance that has supposedly been educated and trained specifically in all things Terminator since birth? Come the fuck on! I get that the scene is there to help the first-time audience members or ones that don’t have a great working knowledge of the Terminator mythology, but we don’t need to make the main character forget something so integral to the series just so Arnold can explain it to us. Ugh.

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In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2008)

Starring Jason Statham, Leelee Sobieski, Ray Liotta, John Rhys-Davies, Ron Perlman, Claire Forlani, Kristanna Loken, Matthew Lillard, Burt Reynolds, Brian White, Mike Dopud, Will Sanderson

Directed by Uwe Boll

Expectations: Super low. My first Uwe movie.

On the general scale:
onehalfstar

On the B-Movie scale:
threestar


I finally sat down and watched my first Uwe Boll film. I expected the worst. I expected utter shit that even I would have a hard time sitting through. I would love to have a picture of myself watching the opening of this film though, as my expression was anything but pure horror. Instead I had a bid ole grin as I was genuinely enjoying myself. So why am I enjoying this film that so many have shit upon before me?

1980s horror films, that’s why. I’ve always had a soft spot for B-movies, but in the last few years (and especially since opening this website) I’ve saturated my viewing with them. There was a time when I was a teenage film snob, but those days have faded into a distinct appreciation of films that most will never give the time of day due to their low-budget or trashy nature. I’ve found that I often have a much better time overall if I’m watching something I truly enjoy, compared with the newest critical darling. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some quality filmmaking. Kubrick and Kurosawa are my most treasured filmmakers, but I also equally love Lloyd Kaufmann and the varied works of Charles Band. So after this saturation of the best and worst that 80s B-horror has to offer, my nerves are steeled and my vision is solid and I can pretty much sit through any movie put in front of me.

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