Starring Sonja Jeanine, Diana Drube, Tamara Elliot, Gillian Bray, Deborah Ralls Yueh Hua, Liu Hui-Ling, Wang Hsieh, Helen Ko, Li Ming
Directed by Kuei Chi-Hung and Ernst Hofbauer
This must be bare breasted kung fu fighting week over here at Silver Emulsion because both of my reviews this week feature sexy ladies doing exactly that. But whereas T.N.T. Jackson relegated it to a single action scene, Virgins of the Seven Seas took that classy concept and built an entire film around it. Now if I were to choose potential filmmakers to direct a movie about topless European sex slaves kicking the shit out of Chinese pirates I’m pretty sure Shaw Bros degenerate Kuei Chi-Hung would factor into it somehow, if not at the very top. And guess what? Lo and behold he’s here along with German softcore porn legend Ernst Hofbauer to bring us this tasteful tale of war, love, and vagina training on the high seas.
This two-pronged approach is what really makes this film work at a base level. As each director was allowed to focus on their own specialties, it makes for a thoroughly entertaining experience all the way through. I can’t vouch for Ernst Hofbauer, as I know very little about his work, other than the fact he directed a series of films called Schoolgirl Report (which makes him an instant winner in my book), but Kuei Chi-Hung’s indelible stamp is evident right from the start when a live eel is fished from the water and skinned alive on camera (“The white vixens will get the bowels” one crewman exclaims). His unhealthy obsession with weird misogynistic fantasies and perverse torture sequences once again rears its ugly head here as our scantily-clad heroines are put through their paces. Over the course of the film our ladies are fed raw animal offal, tied to giant spinning wheels, chained to a wall as their nipples are mercilessly lashed and finally, spread-eagle and intimately examined in order to make sure they’re “still sealed”.
In fact, there are so many memorable scenes, that I can literally fill a review with them. My personal favorites are the just plain ridiculous vagina training sequences which feature the girls working their legs in repeated motions in order to make their “ovens” more warm and supple (one of the instructors describes it as “mattress karate”). Other “stroking” exercises are implemented as well, which are supposed to hone their lovemaking skills, but bear a stunning resemblance to Mr. Miyagi’s “Paint the fence”. Also watch out for the scene where one of the Euro beauties is cornered by a masculine lesbian concubine. She rejects her unladylike advances only to have her clothes torn to shreds by a razor-tipped fan.
Kung Fu training scenes are equally fantastic. When the girls aren’t secretly karate chopping bricks, hitting hot coals, or pounding nails into wood with their bare hands, they are clandestinely being trained in the lost art of projectile spitting high velocity olive seeds! This leads to a hilarious montage of some seriously overcranked olive spitting action. Laugh as you may, but the skill proves to save these ladies more than once from the gang of pervy pirates. The thug’s failed attempts at rape leave them running for the hills with bloody olive seeds embedded in their asses on several occasions.
Umm plot, do I really need to go there? European sex kittens kidnapped by Chinese pirates and sold into prostitution. Somewhere along the way they are secretly trained in kung fu by a sympathetic young Chinese girl living with the gang. After they are sold off to horny midgets, guys with chattering false teeth, and sex-starved pirate lackeys, they are rescued by the Chinese girl’s rogue brother and carted away to safety. Somewhere along the way one of the girls knocks a guy off of a balcony by smacking him in the face with her ass while another one tosses a midget through a brick wall. If a tale that fucking epic doesn’t stir your soul enough to rush to google and track this fucking thing down then you’d better check your pulse because you’re probably dead.
Major kudos are also in order to the German guy that fansubbed this one, as his off the wall translation greatly enhanced my enjoyment here. Anybody who can knock out a line like, “Where did you fish this shit out? It tastes like grandpa under his left testicle” is the next fucking F. Scott Fitzgerald in my book. Some of these are even better than the butchered bleach white subs that used to come with old Hong Kong films in the 80s / early 90s. In fact, I enjoyed this particular translation so much, that I’d like to close this review by sharing a few of my other favorites, for your reading pleasure.
“He has to be fast on the mattress. If he doesn’t deliver, I’ll rip his throng.”
“Let’s party. It’s a bank holiday, it’s mother’s day in Africa.”
“The sex position was out of style even in old Egypt. Don’t dither you’ll all get a piece.”
“A bath isn’t hazardous. Scrub well grandma, I’m not made of marzipan.”
“Hargh, just dither, I want to see your balls wiggle.”
“When I see your titties shiver my trousers start to dither.”
“You old dirty scumbag. Don’t show of you impotent pfrrrzzzz!”
“If all the Chinese fuck this way, I don’t get how they reached 600 millions.”
And my personal favorite:
“Hands away or you will taste my throng!”