Piranha 3DD (2012)

Starring Danielle Panabaker, Matt Bush, David Koechner, Jean-Luc Bilodeau, Chris Zylka, Katrina Bowden, Adrian Martinez, Paul James Jordan, Meagan Tandy, David Hasselhoff, Christopher Lloyd, Paul Scheer, Gary Busey, Clu Gulager

Directed by John Gulager

Expectations: High. I’ve been very excited to see this, hoping for a sequel that recaptures the horror/comedy of the 2010 remake.

On the general scale:

On the B-Movie scale:


Long story short: This movie contains none of the guilty fun of the original. It’s not that Piranha 3DD is pure shit, it’s more that it’s a shameless cash-in, it’s obvious and it squanders an opportunity to deliver another horribly debaucherous, gory good time. I thought the 2010 remake, Piranha 3D, was hopelessly shitty, but it was made with such style and filled with such inventive gore that I couldn’t help but become enamored with it. It seriously had no business being as funny and gore-tastic as it was. So when I heard there was a sequel looming, I instantly become excited and hoped it could live up to its predecessor. Maybe if previous director Alexandre Aja was still around, but this time we get John Gulager, the man who brought the world the Feast trilogy, of which I have seen none (and based on the strength of this one, I won’t be changing that anytime soon).

Piranha 3DD opens with a scene that holds no significance or bearing on the tale that I can remember. It features Gary Busey and his buddy hunting around a lake in the dark of night for their cow. How or why their cow is in the lake we will never know, but when they do find said cow, it’s dead, rather gassy, and it involuntarily shoots a couple of piranha eggs out its ass. Oh, if only I had paid for the 3D! While fish eggs from a dead cow’s ass might whet your cinematic appetite, don’t be fooled! The film actually focuses on a water park recently taken over by a money-hungry dude who hires strippers for lifeguards and designates one of the pools as an “Adult Pool,” complete with condom dispensers poolside and a “Cooch Cam.”

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Top Five Most Anticipated Movies of the Fall

As much as I dislike posts like this I’m doing one of my own, simply because there are actually a few movies I’m really pumped to see and I haven’t seen them mentioned in the various most anticipated posts I’ve run into. Without further ado:

The Skin I Live In
dir. Pedro Almodovar
rel. date: 10-14-2011

This is easily my most anticipated movie of the year. I cannot wait. Almodovar has quickly become one of my favorite directors after watching only a few of his recent works, including his stunning film Broken Embraces. I haven’t even seen the trailer for the film as I don’t want a single thing spoiled, but I’m sure Almodovar will deliver the goods.

.

Melancholia
dir. Lars Von Trier
rel. date: 11-11-2011

Again, I haven’t seen the trailer (I guess it should be noted that I generally avoid all trailers if I can help it), but I’m a sucker for most anything this guy puts out. I don’t always care for them completely, but his films are always challenging and interesting. I’ve also had a crush on Kirsten Dunst for a while so having her in the starring role doesn’t hurt.

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The Rum Diary
dir. Bruce Robinson
rel. date: 10-28-11

I know next to nothing about this film, but I have read the book, so that should count for something. I love and respect the work of Hunter S. Thompson, and while I’m not the most diligent reader of his stuff, I’m always floored when I do pick something up. Just the fact that they made The Rum Diary into a movie is something worth exploring. It looks to have a great cast too, with Johnny Depp and the lovely Amber Heard leading the charge.

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Straw Dogs
dir. Rod Lurie
rel. date: 9-16-2011

This one is mostly morbid curiosity than anything else. Having read and reviewed the original novel, and then the same for Peckinpah’s massacre adaptation, I feel like I have an informed opinion of the story and the remake will be interesting to look at from that point of view. I have no real hopes for the film itself though.

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Piranha 3DD
dir. John Gulager
rel. date: 11-23-2011

This one is just going to be a whole lot of fun… I hope. I missed the first one in the theater, but after hearing some good things about it, ended up watching it on DVD. It blew me away with how fun, over-the-top and ridiculously gory it was… and it left me wanting more. I can’t wait to have all kinds of stupid bullshit popping off the screen at me when the sequel finally drops, although the change in directors could signal bad waters ahead.

 

EDIT: OK, last-minute 6th film addition! I just found out about RZA’s new film, The Man with the Iron Fists, due out late 2011. It is supposedly everything a kung-fu fan could want, and being a kung-fu fan, I want it! Not too sure about Russell Crowe as the lead, but Pam Grier’s in it, and RZA is such a fan of old school Shaw Brothers movies that I think it’ll be pretty awesome.

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