What’s up movie fans? If you haven’t guessed by now, my ass is a huge horror nerd. As far back as I can even remember, that’s all I watched as a kid (the exceptions being Die Hard and Rambo), horror shit is all I read, I went to horror conventions, dreamt about horror, drew horror, made horror masks, ate horror foods, farted horror gas, clogged horror toilets, and watched in horror as a horror shit made a horror toilet overflow horror-fyingly. I was obsessed as a kid (still am to be honest). But there came a time when I could no longer find horror movies I haven’t seen and I already saw most of the good shit in the horror sections of every video store. Horror was also kind of hitting a slump in the early 90s and the best horror coming out were turkeys like Full Eclipse with Melvin Van Peebles and downright duds like The Mangler about a killer laundry machine.

But I remember watching this excellent documentary around that slump called The Best of the Martial Art Film, narrated by John Saxon. It was a perfect introduction to a whole different type of movies that were fucking awesome! It showed a slew of Jackie Chan fights, Tsui Hark movies, Sammo Hung, and it sure as shit wasn’t action that Rambo or John McClane were doing. I was fucking floored! And in this documentary it showed the fight between Jackie Chan and Benny the Jet from Wheels on Meals! It even stated that “Inside Kung Fu magazine calls it one of the best fights ever filmed.” I watched that shit over and over and over. But the problem arose, where does one find these movies?! This was before internet was what it is now, so shit had to be ordered through catalogs or you’d flip through that giant fucking tome at Suncoast like it was an ancient Greek library, but nobody had fucking Wheels on Meals!

Then in probably 1995 I went to Fangoria’s Weekend of Horrors convention (where I picked up a free Mangler poster. I have no shame). And at these conventions, there were always sleazy fans of “fucked up shit” selling rare VHS tapes, bootlegs, and oddball Turkish pornos and the like. They always had a TV/VCR combo and would pop a tape in if you were interested. And sometimes to prove the 12th generation videotape was passable quality. “It looks good enough dude. Either buy it, or go fuck your mother.” Anyway, lo and behold, in a neon green clamshell VHS case I saw “Jacky Chan Wheels on Meals” on this table! I swooped that bootlegged shit up and held it to my chest while my eyes rolled in the back of my head and my shoes blew off. I finally fucking found it! Quentin Tarantino was at this same convention too and he bought a shitload of movies from this same bootlegger to where he started having to stack shit on his chest. But he didn’t get Wheels on Meals! Ha! It was mine first! The quality looked like you were watching it through a dirty aquarium, but fuck it. It was Wheels on Meals and the best fight ever filmed in all of its glory.

Fun fact: I met John Saxon too at this same convention.

I had a point when I originally started writing this, but went down memory lane and forgot where I was going. Sorry! I’ll wrap up with a question. Wheels on Meals has been my favorite fight probably ever since. The little things too like the table getting pushed back, the candles extinguished with a kick, resting on a chair, and that cool 80s song that kicks in when Jackie is getting loose. It’s been like the gold standard for fights (or SILVER standard, silveremulsion.com). But what do you think of fights in shit like The Raid? Or Tony Jaa movies, if you’ve seen them? They’re not as fun, but they’re fucking brutal and exhilarating! They fight to kill and it’s ugly sometimes. Yet choreographed incredibly! It’s cool seeing new styles from different countries too. Ah fuck, I’ll shut up. This is turning into that tome at Suncoast.

Hugs & Kisses
xoxo