thehumanoid_1The Humanoid [ザ・ヒューマノイド 哀の惑星レザリア] (1986)
AKA MetalliaThe Humanoid: Rezaria, Planet of Sorrow

Starring Kazuki Yao, Kyohko Sakakibara, Yumiko Shibata, Kiyoshi Kobayashi, Hidemasa Shibata, Kazuyoshi Sogabe, Hikari Akiyama, Eiji Maruyama

Directed by Shin-Ichi Makaki

I hope you’re in the mood for contemplating the philosophical meaning of coffee, because there sure is a lot of it in The Humanoid. In fact, there’s probably more discussion about coffee than there is about the humanoid itself. The opening line is a statement that coffee is the only thing worth living for. It’s the kind of thing you would expect an alcoholic to say about his liquor of choice. And the movie ends with another fumbling attempt to convey the meaning of life through coffee metaphors. It may not work as a literary device, but it does make an effective metaphor for the plot, which is just as fumbling, incoherent, and meaningless.

The Humanoid is supposedly about a robotic femme fatale with a sleek, sexy chrome body. It’s actually not. While there are several action scenes, there’s only one towards the end where the humanoid, Antoinette, actually starts kicking ass. It’s pretty short and unimpressive. And it’s really hard to pull off the sexy femme fatale thing while wearing a loose-fitting jumpsuit that looks more like a prison uniform. Beyond that, Antoinette is a glorified maid, so rather than thinking, “Yes! Time for some action!” when she started tearing through military hardware like tin foil, it only made me wonder just why the hell the maid robot was so badass.

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