AKA Legend of the Mummy, Bram Stoker’s The Mummy
Starring Louis Gossett Jr., Amy Locane, Eric Lutes, Mark Lindsay Chapman, Lloyd Bochner, Mary Jo Catlett, Aubrey Morris, Laura Otis, Julian Stone, Richard Karn
Directed by Jeffrey Obrow
Expectations: Moderate.
On the general scale:
(NO STARS)
On the B-Movie scale:
(NO STARS)
I love Egyptian themes and stories. I love mummies. I love Bram Stoker’s more popular work, Dracula. And regular visitors know that I also love B-movies. But this, this abomination of a movie, I do not love. I can barely stomach the thought required to write about the movie. It’s bad. I watch a lot of bad movies, and this is truly awful. This is one of the worst movies I’ve seen while operating Silver Emulsion. Perhaps its production values and its acting weren’t especially horrid, but the storytelling is so inept and boring that no amount of Oscar-winner Louis Gossett Jr. and Home Improvement‘s Richard Karn could save it.
The film is based on a lesser known work of Stoker’s, The Jewel of Seven Stars. I haven’t read the novel, so I’m unsure if Stoker’s name before the title is meant to indicate a more faithful adaptation along the lines of Bram Stoker’s Dracula. If it is then that book is horrible! I’m sure it’s just a marketing ploy, though. The story has been filmed three times before (plus a TV movie), and without seeing any of them I can guarantee they’re all more enjoyable than this. The first adaptation came from Hammer and it was titled Blood from the Mummy’s Tomb. It was the last of Hammer’s Mummy series, and I’d rather stare at the poster for 99 minutes than sit through Bram Stoker’s Legend of the Mummy again.
The next adaptation, The Awakening, starred Charlton Heston and was the directorial début of Mike Newell. He later went on to direct such hits as Four Weddings and a Funeral, Donnie Brasco, and Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Anyway, I’ve heard mixed things about this movie, but I’m positive it’s better than Bram Stoker’s Legend of the Mummy. Finally we come to 1986’s The Tomb, a loose adaptation directed by Fred Olen Ray. Judging off of the one Ray film I’ve seen, Cyclone, The Tomb very well may be the best of the bunch, and it sounds like a fucking hoot. One of these days I’ll track it down, but it might take a while for the stink of Bram Stoker’s Legend of the Mummy to wash away enough for me to do that.
If it’s not apparent: yes, I’m purposefully avoiding the movie I actually saw because, y’know, falling asleep from boredom doesn’t go well with writing a review. I’m finding it hard to even steer my thoughts close to thinking about the film; it’s like my brain is actively protecting itself from meltdown. “She canna take any more, Cap’n!” and all that. But I feel that I must talk about it, even just a bit, so I’m disengaging the safeties and I’m ignoring the protocols… I hope you’re happy, Internet!
[Editor’s Note: It was at this point that I sat dumbfounded for a while, trying my best to come up with something to say. The movie was a blur. I only vaguely remembered anything about it, and I had just finished it maybe an hour before. There was only one word that kept coming up, no matter how hard I tried to think of something else.]There’s only one word to describe this movie: boring. No, wait, that won’t do. Boring. Eh, that capital didn’t have quite the impact I was going for. Hmm… BORING! Still not boring enough. B-O-R-I-N-G!
BORING?
BORING?
BORING!
That’s the ticket! It’s just that fucking boring. It’s tempting to relate its slow pace to the shambling steps of a mummy, but I’ll resist because there’s no shambling mummy in the film! But there is a mummy trapped behind a rotten mattress at one point, and at another point there was a baby mummy. At least I think that’s what it was. They never explained it or really showed it in a way that I could be sure it was a baby. I don’t want to talk about it too much though, because then you might get to thinking that there’s something worthwhile in the film, and I assure you there isn’t.
So if you haven’t guessed it already, I hated this movie. I’m gonna go ahead and call it: this is the worst movie I’ve reviewed for Silver Emulsion. I’ve only given out three no-star reviews prior to this, and I’d rather watch all of those on repeat than to sit through this one again. The one glimmer of hope came during the end credits when the audience is let in on the secret that one of the production assistants was nicknamed “Donut”, and the grip’s nickname was “Cheeto.” These small moments of laughter were definitely not worth the pain of watching this film, but it was nice to get a bone, however small it was.
Watch the trailer… if you dare!
Or, if you’d like to drive yourself insane, you can watch the whole movie free on Hulu! Now that’s… value?
Next week on Full Moon Tuesday, I will once again not be reviewing a Full Moon movie! But at least next week the film will have a closer connection to Full Moon, by way of uncredited executive producer Charles Band and director David DeCoteau! And it’s a sequel to this pile of shit! Thankfully, it’s a sequel in name only, so I have hope it’ll be at least a shred more entertaining. Come back next Tuesday for Ancient Evil: Scream of the Mummy AKA Bram Stoker’s Legend of the Mummy 2!
Considering the fact that you, Will, can watch the most dire, perplexingly funded shite and still find something to enjoy each time up to bat, only to find you giving a film like this zero stars speaks volumes – more than a thousand word essay or thesis.
I’m most assuredly avoidng this one.
Hahahahaha, one of my favorite comments. You’re right on, my complete lack of enjoyment of this is review enough. That being said, I really enjoyed writing this one.