AKA Cinderella: The Movie, The Other Cinderella
Starring Cheryl Smith, Yana Nirvana, Marilyn Corwin, Jennifer Doyle, Sy Richardson, Brett Smiley, Kirk Scott, Boris Moris, Pamela Stonebrook
Directed by Michael Pataki
Expectations: Very low.
On the general scale:
On the B-movie scale:
[As a slight disclaimer to those who might be interested in seeking this one out and laughing at its absurdity fresh and untainted: I suggest doing so before reading the review. This movie is such that I found it hard not to reveal many of the ways it takes license with the classic tale, and that’s pretty much the whole enchilada with this one. So you’ve been warned!]
Against all odds, Cinderella, the ’70s softcore version of the fairy tale produced by Charles Band, is a memorable, enjoyable experience. I’ve purposefully held back on reviewing this and a few other films in the Band lineup, thinking that they’d be hard to get through (or perhaps impenetrable, to use a dick joke in the spirit of this movie). I also couldn’t imagine the idea that a softcore musical would be any good, but now I see the error in my thinking. Not only was it good, it was a “snapping” good time. And up front I should mention that “good” is most definitely a subjective term here, as I imagine most people would find this largely stupid and pointless.
And they wouldn’t be wrong, as Cinderella‘s plot is pretty dumb as it wanders around the traditional story we all know. In this version, the prince was once a legendary ladies man, but now he’s seen (and done) it all and he’s fallen into a melancholy about his sex life. This leads to one of the best songs in the film, which I’ve provided below. The prince sings his song while four writhing, naked women do what they can to wake the beast within him. It’s a single shot as well, which is technically impressive for a film that for all intents and purposes is just trying to capitalize on the novelty of its premise.
(That voice at the end is of the court jester, who pops in every now and then to offer quick gems like that one.)
Anyway, the jaded prince decides to hold a ball for all the fair maidens of the land to come to the palace and present themselves as potential brides of the prince. One of these fair maidens is, of course, Cinderella, who spends her days cooking, cleaning and doing anything and everything for her step-mother and step-sisters. And “anything and everything” includes working a spinning wheel connected to a couple of corn cobs (y’know, to make them rotate) in the step-sisters’ bed. Yup. It is what you’re thinking.
If you’re just here for nudity, Cinderella offers a pretty much non-stop parade of naked bodies. I’m not exaggerating either, there’s so much that it made finding suitable screenshots rather difficult. The grand ball at the end quickly devolves into a game of Spin the Bottle (although here it’s called “Butt-Gammon”), except “the bottle” is a black dude in tights dancing around and pointing at nubile young women, and the prize is to fornicate with the blindfolded prince. After a few of these softcore sessions, Cinderella is finally selected and it is here that we finally understand what all this talk about the Fairy Godmother giving Cinderella a “snapping pussy” is all about. It turns out it’s more literal than I had first envisioned it to be, but judging by the prince’s orgasmic reaction, it was definitely a good thing. My favorite thing about this scene are the sounds of gobbling and chewing that accompany their lovemaking. It also leads us into a song about the snapping pussy, which is rather fun just on novelty alone.
UPDATE 1/28/2022! Full Moon has remastered Cinderella for Blu-ray! It’s coming out in May. Get it on Blu-ray or DVD from Amazon, or direct from Full Moon here on DVD or here on Blu-ray!
UPDATE 2/20/2015! Full Moon has released Cinderella on DVD! This is the first time the film has ever been on DVD in the US! You can buy it from Amazon here or direct from Full Moon here.
In two weeks on Full Moon Tuesday, I’ll be checking out the 1987 sci-fi comedy, Galactic Gigolo, unless Netflix decides to be cheeky, in which case I’ll be cheeky back and hit up another of these 1970s sex comedies, 1979’s Fairy Tales!