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Josh Kirby… Time Warrior: Chapter 4, Eggs from 70 Million B.C. (1996)

Starring Corbin Allred, Jennifer Burns, Derek Webster, Barrie Ingham, Steve Wilder, Gary Kasper, Ilinca Goia

Directed by Mark S. Manos

Expectations: Low, these are really trying my patience as they wear on.

On the general scale:

On the B-Movie scale:

OK, I’m barely going to be able to gather the necessary energy to write about this one. It’s definitely better and more tolerable than Part 3, but only slightly. So slightly in fact that those not paying close attention might not even notice! In some ways, I actually think Part 3 was better, if for nothing else than it allowed me enough ridiculous occurrences during its runtime to make for a good review. I can’t exactly say the same for Eggs from 70 Million B.C., so perhaps this is the lesser film. Oh what the fuck am I saying? Am I actually trying to convince myself that the goddamned toy movie was better? Trapped in Toyworld was clearly the harder film to slog through.

In this one Josh Kirby and the gang are rocketing through time in the time pod. They start to slow for no reason and they discover some eggs that have attached themselves to the pod’s intake vent. The doctor wisely decides that they should bring the alien eggs inside to investigate them. Good idea, Doc. Thanks for all the help. The eggs quickly crack open revealing cartoonish worms, but it’s OK because they’re cute and cuddly. Look, he’s tickling me! Oh, but it was all a clever ruse by the lead worm, as before our heroes can realize what’s happened his wormy friends have eaten their way through every duct, vent and shielded cable the pod has to offer. Thankfully in this world all that means is that they drop out of the time stream and into the Earth inhabited by the Asabeth’s half-human people. Convenient.

As the film moves on, it loses track of the egg worms. They burrow into some hole (unfortunately not to stay) and we’re left watching Asabeth and her people bicker with some other fucker on a spaceship they’re at war with. This gave me flashbacks of the Trade Federation bullshit of Star Wars Episode I and you know that ain’t a good sign. This is a few years before the prequels though, so perhaps Lucas was watching these with his kids and got the great idea that led to Episode I and the fan-favorite Jar Jar Binks. Anyway, the egg worms continually pop up throughout the film, annoying me more and more each time. By the final act, I had had enough. Josh Kirby rounds them all up and leads them into a spaceship like the Pied Piper of Worms, but I wished I was watching Robot Holocaust again, where they knew exactly how to deal with pesky worms. Hint: they got them into headlocks and slit their throats!

Counterpointing all of this ridiculous bullshit, there’s a Hamlet joke early on. Really, a Hamlet joke? The film is aimed at kids, so I have to wonder what kid is going to pick up on a subtle Hamlet reference. I don’t care, I’ve wasted enough brain power on this shit. Also, in the previous three films I don’t remember Josh reacting to Asabeth (or anyone else) in a sexual manner. In this film, he’s dropping flirts and batting his eyes every chance he can get, which leads me to believe that something about being trapped on a toy world for a few days awakened his teen hormones. It musta been all the life-size talking teddy bears and the “inspired” dance numbers.

It was a hard fight holding my eyes open as this one moved along, with each scene seemingly coated with the sandman’s sweet, sleepy sands. It was a fight I did not win, and I missed a good section of the film’s mid-section. You might think this would be a good thing, making the rest of the film feel shorter and bringing me closer to the ending all that much quicker. These are valid theories but when I fall asleep in a movie I have a hard time waking back up fully and I usually hover in various states of consciousness, hearing the film constantly through my haze. Time drags out (or to borrow a phrase from Trey Anastasio’s solo album, Time Turns Elastic) and what is realistically four or five minutes, seems like hours to my half-awake mind. This makes the rest of the film absolutely unbearable to watch. So perhaps Josh Kirby… Time Warrior: Chapter 4, Eggs from 70 Million B.C. is a stunning film, filled with wonderful plotting and excellent character dynamics, but I wasn’t able to see it through my sleep haze. I’m going to err on the side of sanity and trust my instinct though, so FUCK THIS MOVIE.

No trailer, so here’s a random section of the film.

Next week I’ll continue slowly murdering everything I love about myself by watching Josh Kirby… Time Warrior: Chapter 5, Journey to the Magic Cavern!

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