Witchouse (1999)

Starring Matt Raftery, Monica Serene Garnich, Brooke Mueller, Ashley McKinney Taylor, Dave Oren Ward, Ryan Scott Greene, Marissa Tait, Dane Northcutt, Kimberly Pullis, Jason Faunt, Ariauna Albright

Directed by David DeCoteau

Expectations: I feel like this is going to be rough.

On the general scale:

On the B-movie scale:


Witchouse is just like any number of Full Moon movies. It’s directed by David DeCoteau, it’s relatively short, and it carries a lighter tone than your average horror film. Where the conflict arises is that DeCoteau’s style has really settled into my heart over the course of writing about all these Full Moon films. Witchouse isn’t a great example of a DeCoteau film — it actually feels like his heart wasn’t in this one (even if his trademark “heartbeat on the soundtrack” is 🙂 — but regardless, I had a very fun time watching it.

Elizabeth (Ashley McKinney Taylor) lives in the Gothic mansion her family has inhabited for hundreds of years, and she’s throwing a party for her old school friends. The first couple to arrive, Bob & Margaret, find the mansion deserted, though. Like all good horror movie characters, they decide to check out the basement and fornicate, and wouldn’t you know it, they’re savagely murdered by a shadowy figure. And now, the party can begin…

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Horrorvision (2001)

horrorvision_5Starring Len Cordova, Maggie Rose Fleck, Josh Covitt, James Black, Brinke Stevens, Ariauna Albright, Chuck Williams, David Bartholomew Greathouse

Directed by Danny Draven

Expectations: Low.

On the general scale:
onestar

On the B-movie scale:
threestar


When I say “2001” and “movie about a website killing people,” I doubt your first instinct is to get excited. It’s probably something closer to apathy, but schlock movie fans should definitely take notice of Horrorvision. It’s much more ambitious than I expected it to be, which is to say, “it’s more than a few drawn-out conversations and some people dying while surfing the web.” Horrorvision definitely has those elements, but it also has some pretty wild fantasy roots, and fans of meaningless driving montages will definitely want to add this to their queue.

Horrorvision opens with a webcam chat between Toni, a photographer, and Dez, an aspiring screenwriter who wastes his time setting up porn websites for quick cash. After they end their overlong conversation about providing content for Dez’s websites, Toni goes about her business creating the CD for Dez. She gets sidetracked when she sees a banner ad for Horrorvision.com with the slogan, “It will blow your fucking mind!” She clicks it and before she knows it the tubes of the Internet are blasting out of her wall outlets and strangling her. I’ll think twice about clicking any banner ads from now on (although don’t let this discourage you, dear readers from clicking those lovely banner ads featured around this content :))

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Ancient Evil: Scream of the Mummy (1999)

Ancient Evil: Scream of the Mummy (1999)
AKA Bram Stoker’s Legend of the Mummy 2

Starring Jeff Peterson, Trent Latta, Ariauna Albright, Russell Richardson, Michele Nordin, Brenda Blondell, Michael Lutz, Christopher Cullen, Anton Falk

Directed by David DeCoteau

Expectations: Low, but hopeful it’s at least better than Bram Stoker’s Legend of the Mummy. Seeing how that was the worst movie ever, I think that’s a fair expectation.

On the general scale:

On the B-movie scale:


When a movie is so infuriatingly bad like Bram Stoker’s Legend of the Mummy was, a normal person wouldn’t seek out the film that in some territories is billed as a sequel. This type of marketing bait and switch is an odd one in this case, because it implies that somewhere out there in the UK (where this film is known as a sequel), Bram Stoker’s Legend of the Mummy did enough business that billing a completely unrelated — and much better — movie as a sequel was seen as a good thing! It boggles the mind, but thankfully that’s where the bogglin’ ends as Ancient Evil: Scream of the Mummy is a whole hell of a lot better than Bram Stoker’s Legend of the Mummy. It also has nothing to do with Bram Stoker’s Jewel of Seven Stars, so the naming is even more misleading for those few actually hoping for a sequel.

This mummy is of Aztec origin, and it’s the subject of a college class dig or something during the summer break. As you’d expect in a horror movie about college kids all living together in a house for the summer, a total horn dog dooms the entire group by stealing the mummy’s jeweled bracelet to impress a girl he’s been lusting for all season long. At least that’s what appears to be going on, until the scorned nerd reveals himself as the last in a long line of Aztec high priests! He resurrects the mummy for some purpose I don’t remember and the killing begins!

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