Teen Knight (1999)

teenknight_2Teen Knight (1999)
AKA Medieval Park

Starring Kris Lemche, Caterina Scorsone, Benjamin Plener, Paul Soles, Kimberly Pullis, Marc Robinson, Claudiu Trandafir, Dan Fintescu, Eugen Cristea, Sandu Mihai Gruia, Mihai Verbintschi

Directed by Phil Comeau

Expectations: Moderately high.

On the general scale:
onestar

On the B-movie scale:
twostar


Are you looking for lackluster, boring sword fighting? How about a story mash-up of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Jurassic Park? Wizards throwing hadoukens? Ah ha! I knew that’d get your attention. Just don’t expect many hadoukens, because if I get you all fired up for a fantasy-based Street Fighter I’ll never hear the end of the disappointment I’ve brought into the world as thousands storm their local Redboxs in search of a nonexistent hadouken-filled film. But a few hadoukens is better than no hadoukens, right?

The film opens in the year 1383, as the evil Lord Raykin is rakin’ his yard. OK, he’s not rakin’ anything (other than Lord Raykin :)), but he is being thrown into a horse-drawn prison cart along with his evil wizard buddy. As you might expect an evil lord to do, he asks his wizard to get them out of yet another fine mess that he’s gotten them into. The wizard laments that their captors have stripped him of his amulets, he’s powerless, yadda yadda yadda. But then he whips out a magical jewel says a few words and shoots green lasers out of his eyes! So I guess he just needed to vent his frustration before showing the evil lord that he still had the juice. For reasons of world domination or general conquest or whatever, Lord Raykin desires the castle of Prince William. Now here’s where it gets really crazy. The evil wizard casts a spell to change the castle’s crest to Raykin’s, thus allowing them to call the castle back in time whenever he wants so that he can make one more attempt at becoming the king of the castle. Someone get this Raykin guy a medieval Lego set and call it a day.

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The Dead Hate the Living! (2000)

Starring Eric Clawson, Jamie Donahue, Brett Beardslee, Wendy Speake, Benjamin P. Morris, Rick Irwin, David Douglas, Matt Stephens, Kimberly Pullis

Directed by Dave Parker

Expectations: Heard this was good, but it looks pretty shitty.

On the general scale:

On the B-Movie scale:


The Dead Hate the Living, but I thoroughly enjoyed this movie! I couldn’t resist such a tastelessly shitty opening which the film’s title sets itself up for, but the sentiment is all true. Right from the get-go I was drawn into the film’s unique world and it never let me go. I expected very little, but I got a ton of fun from The Dead Hate the Living, and hopefully if you seek it out you will too.

A small group of low-budget filmmakers are making a zombie movie inside of an abandoned hospital when problems start to arise. That could be the setup to any number of shitty horror movies (and the film is yet another in the long line of horror films teaching youngins not to fuck with shit they know nothing about), but director Dave Parker’s knowledge of the genre enables him to circumvent the classic tropes just enough to keep the film fresh and exciting throughout. Prior to this, Parker had been editing Full Moon’s trailers and VideoZone VHS featurettes, but the talent he displays in this film shows that he is clearly meant for grander things than simple editing jobs. I’m excited to check out his other work, which looks like it’s pretty much only 2009’s The Hills Run Red and the soon-to-be-released film Coldwater. Anyway, I’m impressed.

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