Directed by Frank Arnold

Expectations: Low, but very much excited to be done with these!

On the general scale:

On the B-Movie scale:

At long last I find myself at . . . → Continue reading: Josh Kirby… Time Warrior: Chapter 6, Last Battle for the Universe (1996)]]> Starring Corbin Allred, Jennifer Burns, Derek Webster, Barrie Ingham, Jonathan Charles Kaplan, Michael C. Mahon, Stacy Sullivan, Helen Siff, Charisma Carpenter, Johnny Green

Directed by Frank Arnold

Expectations: Low, but very much excited to be done with these!

On the general scale:

On the B-Movie scale:

At long last I find myself at the end of the lengthy Josh Kirby film sextet. It wasn’t easy, and it wasn’t always enjoyable, but damn if I didn’t get a few quality moments of WTF joy. I’m happy to report that one of the best of these comes in this film, the aptly titled entry: Last Battle for the Universe. While it is the last film, and there is a battle contained within, don’t get your hopes up for an epic confrontation between good and evil that will shake the pillars of the Earth. Nope, here it’s more along the lines of Josh Kirby wearing a thimble/bucket helmet and trading laborious blows with the evil villain contained in the time armor.

Once again, a Josh Kirby film is fairly unintelligible. I always get through the first few minutes following these pretty well, but as boredom and exhaustion sets in, I’m unable to keep up with all the lengthy jargon-driven dialogue exchanges. What I was able to decode was this: after finally retrieving the final Nullifier component, Josh’s time buddy Irwin 1138 reveals himself to be the true villain! As I suspected a couple of films ago (I think it was hinted at in Trapped on Toyworld), the evil Dr. Zoetrope is actually a nice guy. This is a change for the better, as I always thought his character was far more interesting and likable than Irwin’s. Anyway, Irwin steals Zoetrope’s time armor and whisks himself away. Where he goes is for later, as first Josh Kirby must probe the mind of Zoetrope to prove that he’s telling the truth (Read: Full Moon gets lazy once again and shows us a few minutes of footage from the previous films). It is after this blatant offering of stock footage that we finally find out where Irwin got off to, and it is here that the film hits an absolute high of insane, mind-boggling proportions.

Josh uses his time warrior powers to send all the heroes back to his timeline in 1994, as they surmise that Irwin will be headed there. Without warning, explanation or reason, we’re immediately thrust into a glorious montage of footage from every previous Josh Kirby film. Instead of simply re-playing the scenes as you might expect (and as Full Moon has been doing since time immemorial), Irwin in the battered time armor (not to mention holding the aged doctor’s cane. You’ve never lived until you’ve seen a mechanized armor suit carrying a cane around) is composited into the stock footage, usually screaming or doing something equally stupid. That footage of lava bubbling from Part 5? Throw the time armor on top of it and then dissolve to the doctor sliding again through time laughing maniacally saying, “You’re a genius, Josh Kirby! Almost as smart as me!” Huh? Cut to: the time armor flying through space over to the planet of Part 4 (which oughta be Earth if my logic is correct, but it looks NOTHING like Earth). Followed by a few completely random shots from that film and then we’re back to Irwin screaming in the tunnels of time. Man, I could not keep up with what the fuck was going on and I loved it. The funniest thing about it is that the scenes they chose make it seem as if Irwin will be reacting to or dealing with these people, but then inexplicably it will cut to a completely different scene. Irwin is apparently supposed to be hurtling back through Josh Kirby’s course through time (and stopping long enough for a lengthy section of a pie-in-the-face fight on Toyworld which I honestly don’t even remember from that film. Block it out, block it out…). It’s a hard montage to describe because it defies all logic in editing, but trust me, it was hilarious and highly enjoyable to watch. Either that or I’m clearly going insane from the ridiculous amounts of Josh Kirby I’ve been consuming lately.

Anyway, after all that bullshit Josh and his buddies find themselves back in Josh’s time, except they went back too far to 1980. This presents a number of problems (and eventually leads to Josh with a thimble/bucket on his head), but it also provides Josh with the one thing he’s desired most for his entire life. A Masters of the Universe playset? No, the chance to see his mother, who died shortly after his birth. Only thing is that first he’s invisible to her because of a contrived plot point, and then the good Dr. Zoetrope tries to construct a time machine out of a lawn mower and shrinks them all to miniature size. You can probably see where the thimble fits in now.

Last Battle for the Universe isn’t epic, nor is it all that exciting, but it is considerably more enjoyable than most of the other Josh Kirby films. It’s not good, and it’s still rather boring, but the plotting seems to be at least a little more ambitious and inspired than the last few in the series. The film actually features some limited camera movements too, in what has been a generally static and visually uninteresting series. If you really feel the need to see some of these, I’d recommend only the first and the last in the series, as that will be more than enough Josh Kirby than any sane person would need. I’m elated to finally have made it to the end, and to have made it out with my sanity… I hope.

This is the big montage scene of stock footage!

Next week I’ll be reviewing an older Charles Band film, the creepy looking Tourist Trap from 1979!

Directed by Samuel Fuller

Expectations: Low. This is Fuller’s least favorite film according to his book.

Hell and High Water begins in classic Sam Fuller style, hitting hard with a stunning image designed to immediately excite the . . . → Continue reading: Hell and High Water (1954)]]> Starring Richard Widmark, Bella Darvi, Victor Francen, Cameron Mitchell, Gene Evans, David Wayne, Stephen Bekassy, Richard Loo

Directed by Samuel Fuller

Expectations: Low. This is Fuller’s least favorite film according to his book.

Hell and High Water begins in classic Sam Fuller style, hitting hard with a stunning image designed to immediately excite the viewer and grab hold of their attention. The particular image that opens this Fuller film is a giant nuclear explosion on a remote island (which is actual footage of a test blast by the military), and we’re quickly told via narration that it’s this explosion that the film is about. Sort of. The explosion is more like the catalyst to the film and its climax, but I guess you could say that the explosion informs the entire film and gives tension to the events presented within. That’s kind of a stretch though. This conflicted feeling I have is representative of how I feel about the entire film.

Going into Hell and High Water I had virtually no idea what the film was about. All I knew was that it was a Sam Fuller film, that it was something of a military film, that it was a bigger budget studio picture made as a favor, and that it was Fuller’s least favorite of his pictures. Like the opening explosion, the knowledge that Fuller didn’t like this one informed my viewing of the film. To my surprise though (and realistically I shouldn’t be surprised), Hell and High Water is pretty damn fun, and exceedingly well produced. It is Fuller’s first film in color, as well as his first CinemaScope film and he wastes no time in utilizing both to great effect.

Fuller was able to spend a couple of days on a real submarine before shooting the film and this experience resulted in Fuller adding a few elements to the picture. Coincidentally, these were some of my favorite aspects of the picture, as they felt real and very reminiscent of Fuller’s frank depiction of the reality of infantry life in previous films. When a crew member tries desperately to close the sub’s hatch as they perform an emergency dive, he gets his hand stuck in the closing hatch. In another movie with another director, our hero would have strode over and pulled the man out unscathed, spouting some bullshit line about having a close shave and to be careful next time. In Fuller’s film where a harsh reality is ever-present, the captain (Richard Widmark) does stride over, but instead calls for one of the crew’s knives and slices off the caught finger. No one in 1954 had to balls to put that in a movie except Sam Fuller, and that’s exactly why he’s one of my favorite directors.

Another key feature of the film is the use of the submarine’s red lights. During his stay on the real sub, Fuller noticed that they turned on red lights in order to get the crew’s eyes adjusted to the dark when they meant to surface at night. Many of Hell and High Water‘s scenes are shot with these red lights full on, including one mid-way through where Widmark helps the female scientist (Bella Darvi) to her cabin. He carries her into her cabin and places her in bed under the blood-red lights, and finally they embrace and kiss. The moment is a classic example of Fuller’s lack of subtlety, blasting red over a passionate moment, but it’s gorgeous and emphasized to great effect.

At its heart the film is nothing more than a big-budget action yarn and Fuller really does try to have fun with it. It never ceases to be entertaining, but those looking for the driving and pointed narrative of Fuller’s other pictures will be somewhat disappointed. Fuller took the project on as a favor and so it wasn’t a story that he originated or truly cared about. Still, he took it upon himself to re-write the script into something he could work with and it is filled with loads of great scenes and thrills.

One of the best, thrilling scenes is when Widmark and crew encounter a Chinese submarine hot on their trail. After a tense exchange with the ship’s Morse Code lights, the Chinese start firing torpedoes at them. This leads Widmark to order the crew to take the sub to the ocean’s bottom, and there they try their best to wait out the Chinese sub who has followed their lead and done the same. It’s a tense, nail-biting section of the film that works because of Fuller’s expert camerawork and the really outstanding special FX work. I know underwater footage of two submarine models from the 1950s doesn’t sound like a good time, so imagine my surprise when the models not only look great, but their movements feel realistic and full of weight. This easily could have been laughable, especially watching it nearly sixty years after release, but I’ll say it again: the submarines looked fantastic and the scene was incredibly tense.

Fuller’s bread and butter has always been his ability to realistically capture the interactions between a crew of men in his writing because of his experiences in World War II. Hell and High Water is no different and features a lot of great crew members with some enjoyable exchanges, but the problem here is that there isn’t anything that sets this one above, or even on the same level as, Fuller’s earlier films. As an entertainment picture solely it succeeds completely, but fans of Fuller will definitely find this one lacking a bit due to the director’s relation to the project. Fuller’s use of CinemaScope is quite good and the film is notable for being one of the first batch of films to use the format which debuted only the year before. Fuller effectively captured both the wide vistas usually associated with the format, as well as the tight claustrophobia of the submarine’s confined spaces. It’s no Das Boot mind you, but for the time I don’t think anyone could have done it better.

Starring Jimmy Lin Chung, Lily Ho Li Li, Lo Lieh, Essie Lin Chia, Mui Yan, Chu Gam, Yee Kwan, Nam Wai-Lit, Man Lei, Au-Yeung Gwong, Yip Dung-Ching

Directed by Chang Cheh

Expectations: I really don’t know what to expect. Not much.

Well, this one certainly blew whatever expectations I . . . → Continue reading: The Singing Thief (1969)]]> The Singing Thief [大盜歌王] (1969)

Starring Jimmy Lin Chung, Lily Ho Li Li, Lo Lieh, Essie Lin Chia, Mui Yan, Chu Gam, Yee Kwan, Nam Wai-Lit, Man Lei, Au-Yeung Gwong, Yip Dung-Ching

Directed by Chang Cheh

Expectations: I really don’t know what to expect. Not much.

Well, this one certainly blew whatever expectations I had out of the water! Having taken wuxia to the highest heights he thought it could reach at the time with his previous film Golden Swallow, Chang Cheh sought to liberate himself from the standard Shaw Brothers cycle of constantly making wuxia pictures one after another. Instead he turned his attention to musicals of all things, and the resulting effort is The Singing Thief. Don’t be fooled by the title though, it’s not really a musical in the traditional sense.

The story of The Singing Thief revolves around Diamond Poon, a reformed diamond thief who’s now known for his wonderful singing voice. He works in a nightclub run by his good buddy Fu and he’s content to keep his life simple. Someone else has a different life path in mind for Poon though, as a new thief in town is accurately impersonating his trademarks and making everyone think that Poon’s up to his old tricks. He could be, and the mystery of just who is stealing everyone’s jewelry is one of the best parts of the film. In some ways it reminded me of The Big Lebowski, where an innocent dude gets mixed up in a sea of people all out to get him and play him for their own interests, but realistically that foundational story has its roots in places far older than The Big Lebowski, such as Dashiell Hammett’s groundbreaking 1929 novel Red Harvest (itself a huge influence on film, particularly on the work of Akira Kurosawa & Sergio Leone).

The Singing Thief is steeped in pure 60s culture and for anyone ready to revel in such things, it’s a true joy. I’m not the biggest fan of the styles myself, but literally every moment of The Singing Thief was exciting, dangerous and gorgeously captured. There’s more sunken living rooms, tacky night clubs and delightfully dated 60s dance numbers than you can shake a sequined ass at, and I loved every minute of it. It all felt very similar to an Austin Powers film at times, with a distinct, lighthearted tone, but in spite of this the actions of the characters are always somewhat rooted in reality with danger and the threat of death looming overhead. By the time we get to the climax of the film, Chang Cheh almost entirely ditches the lightheartedness for pure, gritty action cinema and honestly I couldn’t ask for a better ending. When I saw the credit for action scenes choreographed by Tang Chia and Liu Chia Liang, I wondered why they’d bother wasting their time with a musical such as this, but it all made sense when the fists started to fly in the second half of the film.

Seriously, the fights in this are better than in most honest Shaw Brothers martial arts films up to this point. The fearsome duo of Tang Chia and Liu Chia Liang were really starting to get creative and invent wonderful new ways for the characters to butt heads in an action scene, and this is readily apparent in the film’s first action sequence: the crematorium fight. How the film gets us to the crematorium is somewhat convoluted, but the results are nothing short of pure awesome. Poon finds himself in a sad moment, lamenting the loss of a friend, when a team of dudes ready to fuck some shit up run in and arm themselves with fireplace shovels and body hooks. Oh yeah!

Our hero Diamond Poon is played by Taiwanese singer Jimmy Lin Chung, and he fits the bill perfectly. He’s able to handle everything Chang Cheh throws at him, from songs about diamonds and carnations to intense martial arts scenes. He has the look of a young Chow Yun-Fat, mixed with the youthful spirit of Alexander Fu Sheng, making for a truly enjoyable lead actor. During the film’s final action scenes, he proves his worth as a hero (if you weren’t already on board), as he can not only sing and move stealthily, but also throw down martial arts and fire ridiculously accurate pistol shots from many yards away. Diamond Poon does it all! He engages in moments of true brutality as well, at one point bashing a guy’s head into a stone pillar repeatedly and later throwing guys off the side of a three-story scaffolding. Also along for most of the ride is the lovely Lily Ho Li-Li who plays the main love interest. The romance angle is light and somewhat inconsequential, but its presence is yet another layer of the onion and adds to the overall experience.

In Chang Cheh’s memoir he mentions how he had tired of making wuxia pictures and wished to spark his creativity. The Singing Thief shows that his boredom wasn’t with martial arts specifically, but more the period setting and the same old genre trappings that so many martial arts films exhibit (even then, in the infancy of the genre). With this in mind, The Singing Thief is quite interesting as it incorporates multiple genres into one highly enjoyable film. His effervescent camerawork is on display throughout, keeping the pace rapidly flowing. One shot in particular stuck out to me as quite inventive. It was a slow motion shot that incorporated a dollied, horizontal camera move. The characters dance about in the field in slow, elongated strides, but the camera seemingly moves at a normal pace to capture them. It gives the shot an odd quality that makes you think that only the actors are in slo-mo, but in reality the camera must have moved incredibly fast to facilitate this interesting and thoroughly intoxicating shot.

While the film is not exactly a musical, the songs it does have are all very poppy and full of 60s vigor. Within the first ten minutes, you get Jimmy Lin Chung inexplicably in a pirate suit singing the theme song, followed immediately by a nightclub performance complete with huge plastic diamonds hanging from the ceiling and a requisite Nehru jacket. This opening sets up a much more musical film, but in actuality it’s more about thievery and our hero eluding the bungling cops by hanging out at Lo Lieh’s luscious mansion. I was pleasantly surprised to get a lighthearted crime drama/thriller/comedy/musical instead of a straight musical.

The Singing Thief is not a movie for everyone, but if you dig a 60s vibe and you enjoy multi-genre pictures, I think it’s safe to say it will entertain you. For strict martial arts fans, I’d say you could go either way, but the crematorium fight is definitely worth seeing and the final scenes play out on the Shaw Brother’s period sets, as the villains chase Diamond Poon into a movie studio that’s closed up for the night. You get some cool behind the scenes looks at the sets and the sound stages, which added another layer of fun for me. The film was a delight to watch and if nothing else, Lo Lieh’s goatee is mean and worthy of your time. Chang Cheh fills each frame with genuine bursts of color, resulting in a finished picture that is able to satisfy both the dark and light side of my psyche. Didn’t expect that at all.

Next up in this chronological series of the Shaw Brother’s martial arts films, it’s another from Chang Cheh and one I’ve been really looking forward to, Return of the One-Armed Swordsman!

Directed by Eric Karson

Expectations: Sho Kosugi. JCVD. I heard it’s bad, but I gotta see it!

On the general scale:

On the B-Movie scale:

Hot off . . . → Continue reading: Black Eagle (1988)]]> Starring Sho Kosugi, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Doran Clark, Bruce French, Vladimir Skomarovsky, William Bassett, Kane Kosugi, Shane Kosugi, Dorota Puzio, Jan Tríska, Gene Davis, Alfred Mallia

Directed by Eric Karson

Expectations: Sho Kosugi. JCVD. I heard it’s bad, but I gotta see it!

On the general scale:

On the B-Movie scale:

Hot off the heels of the amazing Bloodsport, Jean-Claude Van Damme landed the main villain role in this Sho Kosugi vehicle, and regardless of whatever flaws the film has, it definitely delivers on the schoolyard playground promise of “Sho vs. JCVD!” They face off a few times throughout the film, with two major battles occurring during the closing half hour. I’m getting a bit ahead of myself, but Black Eagle is the type of movie that doesn’t lend itself much to beating around the bush.

Basically a low-budget version of the James Bond film Thunderball (but with better underwater sequences… fuck Thunderball‘s torturous underwater filmmaking), Black Eagle sees Sho Kosugi as the title character: a covert CIA operative capable of fucking up any evildoers holiday plans. An experimental plane went down off the coast of Malta and even though it’s Sho’s scheduled family vacation time, they force him to do the job. How does the U.S. government do that exactly? By picking up his kids and flying them directly into harm’s way in Malta, and then using their presence there to force him into a position where he has no choice but to agree, that’s how! Stand up guys those CIA suits. Of course, he’s not the only one looking for the plane, and this is where JCVD and all the requisite Russian baddies come from. It’s the Cold War as told through a mediocre James Bond rip-off starring two of the screen’s favorite Western martial arts stars.

It’s not all the fun and games it makes itself out to be though. Mostly it’s a slow-moving and somewhat boring film, but whenever it breaks into action (be it car chase, foot chase, fight scene, exploding boat, etc.) the film becomes exciting and thoroughly enjoyable. It’s just tough to make it through some of the down sections of the film to get to the highs. Judged against other films of the era the highs aren’t all that high either, so despite the presence of both Sho Kosugi and JCVD, this one is a definite minor entry in their filmographies.

The acting isn’t anything special, with more than a few horrible moments of stilted line delivery. Who cares though? This is the 80s, when men were shirtless, glistening beasts practicing the splits over barrels on the decks of ships whilst showing off their deadly knife throwing skills. All that should genuinely matter about an 80s action film can be answered in two simple questions: 1. Is it awesome? and 2. Does it kick ass? There are moments in this film when the answer to both questions is a resounding yes, so that’s enough for me to firmly recommend it to fans of 80s action.

The best action comes tightly packed into the final half hour of the film, where you will be treated to everything from a car chase through Malta’s finest back alleyways and side streets to a daring rescue and two exciting fights between Sho and JCVD. Say what you will about the first half of the film (which does feature some good moments of tension and action), but when the two leads finally come together to throw down, the film hits a wonderful stride that makes me wish the whole thing was this good. The fight that comes at the end of the rescue sequence is my favorite of the film and featuring some great choreography which allows JCVD to unleash a cocky, self-assured attitude in every kick. You’d be cocky too if you could dodge Sho Kosugi’s blows by dropping into the splits.

By this point in the film I had completely lost track of the over-complicated narrative, but thankfully by the time I realized this Sho Kosugi was slapping black warpaint over his naked flesh and stealthily sneaking onto the villain’s cargo ship. This leads to the final battle between Sho and JCVD set against the backdrop of burning oil drums on the ship’s deck. The two fighters seem quite equally matched and share the screen well. JCVD has lots of fast moves and high jump kicks, reminding me that he was always the most agile and impressive of the American martial arts film stars.

Black Eagle is shot in a very average and mediocre way, without a shred of artistry to be found beyond a few dutch angles here and there. Obviously this film doesn’t need artistry and no one is realistically coming to this expecting it, but it would definitely help make the film more memorable. Even still, the battles between Sho and JCVD are enough to make me recommend this to fans of both stars. The overall film might take a while to get going, but it definitely delivers in the final act.

Wow, I love this trailer! I wish the whole film was actually this exciting!

Directed by Ernest D. Farino

Expectations: Low. I kinda just want to be done with these, so anything more than absolute shit will be a win in my book.

On the general scale: . . . → Continue reading: Josh Kirby… Time Warrior: Chapter 5, Journey to the Magic Cavern (1996)]]> Starring Corbin Allred, Jennifer Burns, Derek Webster, Barrie Ingham, Matt Winston, Nick De Gruccio, Cindy Sorenson, Michael Hagiwara, Lomax Study, Mihai Niculescu

Directed by Ernest D. Farino

Expectations: Low. I kinda just want to be done with these, so anything more than absolute shit will be a win in my book.

On the general scale:

On the B-Movie scale:

Once again I find myself before my computer wondering just what I can write about a Josh Kirby film. I can say that at least this film is a definite improvement from the poor results of Part 3 and Part 4, but it’s still incredibly slow-paced and boring. That’s pretty much the Full Moon modus operandi though, stretching out every dialogue sequence and adding in about twice as many expository exchanges than there needs to be. Whatever, by this point in my trek through every one of the Empire International/Full Moon films I’m no longer surprised by this, but that doesn’t mean it’s any easier to sit through.

So at the end of Part 4 (and replayed here for our “enjoyment”), Josh Kirby and his buddies mysteriously transport to an unknown location because one of them puts the Nullifier back together in the wrong order. This leads them to another piece of the Nullifier, but soon after they fall through a crevice in the Earth. Once they get up and dust themselves off, they see a bunch of human size mushrooms all around them and Asabeth, claiming these are delicacies on in her homeland, quickly bites off a piece of one and enjoys. These aren’t your average six-foot mushrooms though, they’re alive! And poisonous! So Asabeth is pretty much out of commission for the movie and our heroes must venture to into the lair of The Muncher with the help of the mushroom people in order to rescue Puffball, the mushroom with the spores which act as antidote for the poison. Get all that?

So what’s good about this one? The mushrooms! The makeup on these guys is fantastic and pretty much seamless. They do look a little phallic, but I’m unsure that it’s possible to create a human-size mushroom that doesn’t. In any case, the headpiece is perfectly matched with facial makeup so that on many of the mushrooms you can’t tell where the human’s face ends and the appliance begins. Others have a ring around their face that makes it apparent, but even on these characters the ring itself looks like it’s part of the mushroom’s distinct texture and not just a face hole. Each mushroom character is named after an actual mushroom and their voice reflects the accent you’d expect that specific mushroom to have. For instance, Porcini has a thick Italian accent and even sings O Sole Mio at one point. Subtle Josh Kirby is not, sayeth a wise sage on Dagobah.

I also really enjoyed one of the small moments that comes towards the end of the film. After our heroes have met up with a Southern man running a sideshow underground (don’t ask), Josh Kirby mentions the United States and is quickly corrected by the man that it’s now the United Federation of Colonies. The Southern man (whose accent fades in and out in varying degrees of Southern gentleman) asks him what time machine he stepped out of and then says, “Next thing you’re gonna tell me is that you’ve never heard of the talking ape era of the 21st century!” I take it as a subtle reference to Planet of the Apes and I love that the filmmakers threw this in there. The worlds of Josh Kirby are wild and very one-note, so the world of the Apes films fits that bill to the letter. I have a soft spot for fictional worlds that intersect, so even though this was a non-moment, it’s one of my favorites from the film. It also answers the question of whether this underground film is set in the future or the past, as they never outright say which way in time they go. Now knowing that it’s the future, I have to imagine there was a giant nuclear war which created this race of giant mushroom people, but such questions will never truly be answered.

Josh Kirby… Time Warrior: Chapter 5, Journey to the Magic Cavern isn’t as fun as it should be (or it thinks it is) but it is a definite improvement over the last two entries. I may have enjoyed these as a kid because of their wacky combinations of fantasy worlds and average teenagers, but as an adult they show their faults more than they show entertainment. The film is also shot in the most basic way possible without any spirit or life in the camera, and this is probably one of the biggest missteps the series makes. With a script as bloated and boring as these films have, they need some inventive spirit to liven up the material. They also feel more like three half-hour TV episodes strung together than an actual movie. If it had been produced in more bite-size increments like this, these films would be a lot easier to get through, because at ninety-minutes each they’re a chore.

Here’s the opening… IF YOU DARE!

Next week, my sanity is in sight! I’ll finally come to the end of the Josh Kirby tunnel with the last film in the series, Josh Kirby… Time Warrior: Chapter 6, Last Battle for the Universe!

Starring Tang Ching, Li Ching, Ku Feng, Cheng Miu, Wang Kuang-Yu, Tong Dik, Yeung Chi Hing, Carrie Ku Mei, Ou-Yang Sha-Fei, Tien Feng, Lau Leung-Wa, Wong Ching-Wan, Poon Oi-Lun

Directed by Cheng Kang

Expectations: High. Cheng Kang usually delivers.

The Duke’s daughter has been kidnapped by bandits! Are you a . . . → Continue reading: Killers Five (1969)]]> Killers Five [豪俠傳] (1969)

Starring Tang Ching, Li Ching, Ku Feng, Cheng Miu, Wang Kuang-Yu, Tong Dik, Yeung Chi Hing, Carrie Ku Mei, Ou-Yang Sha-Fei, Tien Feng, Lau Leung-Wa, Wong Ching-Wan, Poon Oi-Lun

Directed by Cheng Kang

Expectations: High. Cheng Kang usually delivers.

The Duke’s daughter has been kidnapped by bandits! Are you a bad enough dude to rescue the duke’s daughter? That’s the question asked of our heroes in Killers Five and the answer is a resounding yes. Killers Five is debatably the best martial arts/action film to be produced by the Shaw Brothers up to this point. It includes everything I could want in a movie, providing entertainment at every turn. I went in expecting fights and intrigue, but I also got fun & charismatic characters, wonderful performances, awesome traps, suspenseful thrills, shocking double-crosses, over-the-top gore and absolute sophistication behind the camera. This movie is just flat-out awesome.

Unlike so many 60s Shaw Brothers martial arts films, Killers Five doesn’t fuck around with lengthy plot exposition and slow-moving narrative. The duke’s daughter is kidnapped and within a minute or so, our main hero played by Tang Ching is on a quest to create a martial team badass enough to take on the evil bandit lord Jin Tianlong (Tong Dik) who’s taken the duke daughter to his fortress on Mt. Jinlong. The film takes on something of a Western vibe, or even The Seven Samurai, during this section as the hero travels around the countryside collecting the best people for the job.

First to be recruited is frequent Shaw Brothers star Li Ching. For anyone reading along with all these Shaw Brothers reviews, you might have noticed that I tend to shy away from talking about the female swordswoman as a character. I’m not against it at all, but in many of the early Shaws, the characters are neither engaging or good martial artists. There are definite exceptions though, such as Cheng Pei-Pei in most anything and Li Ching in Killers Five. She’s so ridiculously good in this, and was probably my favorite character. She’s fun right from the moment we meet her, showing off her clever mind and happy-go-lucky personality. Later in the film when the shit hits the fan, she throws down with the best of them, laying waste to bandit after bandit. Her main skill is precision archery, and she uses this skill in such perfect ways throughout the film which result in some of the film’s best and most shocking moments. Did she just… Yep, that’s exactly what she did! Oh shit!

The next two members of the hero clan are Ku Feng and Cheng Miu, who both play their roles to perfection. Their characters are supposed to be old friends, so they spend the movie playfully, and comedically, messing around with each other. Their interplay felt similar to C-3PO and R2-D2′s relationship in Star Wars, but even more than that, I was reminded of Monkey and Pigsy’s back-and-forth repartee in Ho Meng-Hua’s series of Monkey King films. I’m sure this is no coincidence as a quick scan of Cheng Kang’s filmography shows that he wrote all four of those wonderful, funny films.

The final member played by Wang Kuang-Yu is never quite inducted into the ranks of the killers officially, with shrouds of mystery surrounding his true intentions. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, he’s fuckin’ perfect in this role, blending martial skill and stone-faced honor without breaking a sweat or even an increase in his breathing. Just like the characters in the film, the audience never quite knows where he’s coming from and which side of the fence he’ll land on, adding yet another layer of intrigue and awesome to an already awesome film.

After watching this one, it’s clear that Cheng Kang is one of the top Shaw Brothers directors of the era. His output was far less than someone like Chang Cheh (his next film came out a whole year and a half after this one), but he really knows how to deliver a stunning action picture. He injects clever shots and intense hand-held work at every appropriate moment, and his skill with the pen matches his eye for the interesting. The film’s narrative has a driving energy that just won’t quit, causing the slim eighty-one minute runtime to fly by in a glorious haze. What really sets this one apart from other Shaw films of the era is the obstacles it sets up in front of its heroes. In most Shaw pictures around this time, whenever the hero is ready to take out the bandit he simply shows up at their gate and announces himself. In Killers Five it’s a lengthy, stealth-driven sequence where the characters must cross the scarily titled Black River and scale a sheer mountain cliff teeming with guards. I’m sure you’ve seen tons of “assembling the badass group of people to take out the even more badass villain” movies, but Killers Five does it with such style that you’ll quickly forget you’ve seen this story before. I don’t say this often, but Killers Five is so good that I could easily watch it again immediately.

The editing in the film is also nothing short of perfect. Unlike many of his contemporaries, Cheng Kang seems to realize the importance of editing to create a stunning, impressive martial arts sequence, and he literally writes a textbook example for everyone to follow with Killers Five. It’s truly ahead of its time, and a signal of where the genre was heading. Also, Killers Five features some of the coolest uses of reverse filming ever put to celluloid, with Li Ching throwing peanuts and embedding them into wooden posts and Wang Kuang-Yu catching thrown coins on his closed fan to prove his worth as a martial artist. I never get tired of these cheap thrills, and they’ve never looked better or been as effective as they are here.

In addition to all the wonderful sets you know and love the Shaw Brothers for, Killers Five shows off tons of actual outdoor locations as well, and they are gorgeous! From beautiful waterfalls to lush, green mountainsides, Killers Five gives you a real sense of a journey as the characters traverse these stunning locales. It truly offers everything I could want in a martial arts film, and I say that without caveat. Sure, the choreography is still somewhat slow and there are bits early on that are slightly under-cranked and therefore look too fast and dumb, but the editing and Cheng Kang’s intense style overrides any negatives from those aspects of the film. His power as a director sucks you into the film quickly, allowing martial arts fans from any era to experience and revel in the wonderful spectacle of Killers Five. What an awesome movie. Pure fun from start to finish. Highly recommended.

Next up in this chronological series of the Shaw Brother’s martial arts films, it’s not a martial arts film! I’ll be reviewing Chang Cheh’s first foray into musical filmmaking with his 1969 film, The Singing Thief!

Directed by Steven Soderbergh

Expectations: High, I have a good feeling about this one.

I’m not a huge Steven Soderbergh fan, but I respect him immensely. Where most Oscar-winning directors are . . . → Continue reading: Contagion (2011)]]> Starring Matt Damon, Marion Cotillard, Laurence Fishburne, Jude Law, Gwyneth Paltrow, Kate Winslet, Bryan Cranston, Jennifer Ehle, Sanaa Lathan, Elliott Gould, Anna Jacoby-Heron

Directed by Steven Soderbergh

Expectations: High, I have a good feeling about this one.

I’m not a huge Steven Soderbergh fan, but I respect him immensely. Where most Oscar-winning directors are happy to stay sheltered within the studio system once they receive their acclaim, Soderbergh is not one to be shackled to any one genre or tied to any specific type of film. He consistently makes the films he wants to make, casting unknown actors in one film and then following it up with a slickly produced Ocean’s Eleven film. If there’s one style that has become synonymous with his name though, it’s the ensemble cast drama, even if he hasn’t really made too many of them. Traffic was clearly his defining film for most people (and me as well), so going into Contagion I had an idea that it would be “Traffic with germs”.

That’s pretty much what I got, but that’s far too simple of a way to put it. It both sells the film short and fails to convey the triumph that Soderbergh has achieved with Contagion. There have been lots of viral epidemic movies throughout the years, but never have they been as hyper-realistic as this. Contagion methodically moves from day-to-day, tracking the course of the outbreak across the world. It focuses on a number of people in various locations around the world, and together their stories weave into an overall picture of the epidemic story that is Contagion. It’s like a disease procedural, so if you zoned out or got bored during this paragraph, then perhaps this film is not for you. If, on the other hand, this sounds interesting and up your alley, then definitely give Contagion a shot.

It’s an ensemble, so if nothing else the acting should be good. It is, and literally everyone in the film turns in a great performance. My girlfriend had an issue with Anna Jacoby-Heron, the girl who played Matt Damon’s daughter, and I somewhat agree in regards to the early scene she commented on, but as the film progressed she did better and represented a high school kid pretty well. It’s her first movie too, so that explains some of the questionable line delivery. Anyway, in a film like this it’s hard to single out any one outstanding performance because the film really succeeds on the strength of the overall unit, but I gotta give some props to Matt Damon, Laurence Fishburne and Kate Winslet. They all did extremely well selling their individual positions and created memorable, believable characters. Everyone else did too, but these three really stood out from the crowd.

Beyond that, what impressed me about Contagion is Soderbergh’s absolute control and confidence in slowly dispensing the data about the disease and its global spread, skillfully managing the multiple ongoing storylines with apparent ease. That’s no small feat, and Soderbergh makes it look like child’s play. In addition to masterful editing between the characters, the film is also visually interesting and exceedingly well-shot. A procedural about an epidemic has no business looking as stunning as Contagion does, but holy shit does it look great. Soderbergh has always had an eye for clever visuals, even in the most mundane of settings, and he really outdoes himself here. Each and every shot looks perfectly composed, while still retaining the in-the-moment feel of a camera crew on assignment. There’s a sense of urgency and purpose in every shot that speaks volumes. And it’s a truly global film. When it says Hong Kong, it’s actually Hong Kong! This adds yet another layer of realism, selling the intensity of the social impact and the spread of the virus in ways that no studio backlot could have.

I also have to mention that the score is fucking phenomenal. It fits the film like a tailored glove, as well as working perfectly as ambient writing music. I’ve always heralded Jon Brion’s Magnolia score as one of the best scores to write to, but Cliff Martinez’s work on Contagion is definitely giving it a run for its game show money. Fuck the Oscars and their bullshit nominations for Best Original Score. Contagion, Attack the Block and The Skin I Live In could all get together and collectively take out each and every one of the nominees without even breaking a sweat.

Contagion is one of the best films of 2011 and should have secured a Best Picture nomination with ease. Unfortunately it did not as Hollywood seems to be once again enamored with congratulating itself for all the wonderful things it did over the years and nominating such pandering films as The Artist or The Help. Oh wait, they’re always like that. Contagion is slow-paced and could easily be seen as boring to certain people, but for me it remains one of the most enthralling and interesting movies of the year. If you’ve ever been curious how a large-scale viral epidemic would go down, Contagion is the film for you. Highly recommended.

Directed by Mark S. Manos

Expectations: Low, these are really trying my patience as they wear on.

On the general scale:

On the B-Movie scale:

OK, I’m barely going to be able to gather the necessary energy to . . . → Continue reading: Josh Kirby… Time Warrior: Chapter 4, Eggs from 70 Million B.C. (1996)]]> Starring Corbin Allred, Jennifer Burns, Derek Webster, Barrie Ingham, Steve Wilder, Gary Kasper, Ilinca Goia

Directed by Mark S. Manos

Expectations: Low, these are really trying my patience as they wear on.

On the general scale:

On the B-Movie scale:

OK, I’m barely going to be able to gather the necessary energy to write about this one. It’s definitely better and more tolerable than Part 3, but only slightly. So slightly in fact that those not paying close attention might not even notice! In some ways, I actually think Part 3 was better, if for nothing else than it allowed me enough ridiculous occurrences during its runtime to make for a good review. I can’t exactly say the same for Eggs from 70 Million B.C., so perhaps this is the lesser film. Oh what the fuck am I saying? Am I actually trying to convince myself that the goddamned toy movie was better? Trapped in Toyworld was clearly the harder film to slog through.

In this one Josh Kirby and the gang are rocketing through time in the time pod. They start to slow for no reason and they discover some eggs that have attached themselves to the pod’s intake vent. The doctor wisely decides that they should bring the alien eggs inside to investigate them. Good idea, Doc. Thanks for all the help. The eggs quickly crack open revealing cartoonish worms, but it’s OK because they’re cute and cuddly. Look, he’s tickling me! Oh, but it was all a clever ruse by the lead worm, as before our heroes can realize what’s happened his wormy friends have eaten their way through every duct, vent and shielded cable the pod has to offer. Thankfully in this world all that means is that they drop out of the time stream and into the Earth inhabited by the Asabeth’s half-human people. Convenient.

As the film moves on, it loses track of the egg worms. They burrow into some hole (unfortunately not to stay) and we’re left watching Asabeth and her people bicker with some other fucker on a spaceship they’re at war with. This gave me flashbacks of the Trade Federation bullshit of Star Wars Episode I and you know that ain’t a good sign. This is a few years before the prequels though, so perhaps Lucas was watching these with his kids and got the great idea that led to Episode I and the fan-favorite Jar Jar Binks. Anyway, the egg worms continually pop up throughout the film, annoying me more and more each time. By the final act, I had had enough. Josh Kirby rounds them all up and leads them into a spaceship like the Pied Piper of Worms, but I wished I was watching Robot Holocaust again, where they knew exactly how to deal with pesky worms. Hint: they got them into headlocks and slit their throats!

Counterpointing all of this ridiculous bullshit, there’s a Hamlet joke early on. Really, a Hamlet joke? The film is aimed at kids, so I have to wonder what kid is going to pick up on a subtle Hamlet reference. I don’t care, I’ve wasted enough brain power on this shit. Also, in the previous three films I don’t remember Josh reacting to Asabeth (or anyone else) in a sexual manner. In this film, he’s dropping flirts and batting his eyes every chance he can get, which leads me to believe that something about being trapped on a toy world for a few days awakened his teen hormones. It musta been all the life-size talking teddy bears and the “inspired” dance numbers.

It was a hard fight holding my eyes open as this one moved along, with each scene seemingly coated with the sandman’s sweet, sleepy sands. It was a fight I did not win, and I missed a good section of the film’s mid-section. You might think this would be a good thing, making the rest of the film feel shorter and bringing me closer to the ending all that much quicker. These are valid theories but when I fall asleep in a movie I have a hard time waking back up fully and I usually hover in various states of consciousness, hearing the film constantly through my haze. Time drags out (or to borrow a phrase from Trey Anastasio’s solo album, Time Turns Elastic) and what is realistically four or five minutes, seems like hours to my half-awake mind. This makes the rest of the film absolutely unbearable to watch. So perhaps Josh Kirby… Time Warrior: Chapter 4, Eggs from 70 Million B.C. is a stunning film, filled with wonderful plotting and excellent character dynamics, but I wasn’t able to see it through my sleep haze. I’m going to err on the side of sanity and trust my instinct though, so FUCK THIS MOVIE.

No trailer, so here’s a random section of the film.

Next week I’ll continue slowly murdering everything I love about myself by watching Josh Kirby… Time Warrior: Chapter 5, Journey to the Magic Cavern!

Starring Chen Lee, Klaus Kinski, Gordon Mitchell, Claudio Undari, Katsutoshi Mikuriya, Carla . . . → Continue reading: My Name is Shanghai Joe (1973)]]> My Name is Shanghai Joe [Il mio nome è Shanghai Joe] (1973)
AKA The Fighting Fists of Shanghai Joe, The Dragon Strikes Back, Knochenbrecher im wilden Westen (literally translates to: Bone Crusher in the Wild West), Shanghai Joe, To Kill or to Die

Starring Chen Lee, Klaus Kinski, Gordon Mitchell, Claudio Undari, Katsutoshi Mikuriya, Carla Romanelli, Carla Mancini, Giacomo Rossi-Stuart, George Wang, Federico Boido, Piero Lulli

Directed by Mario Caiano

Expectations: High, this one looks great and I’ve heard good things.

On the general scale:

On the B-Movie scale:

Usually in films where two distinct genres are mashed together, the end result is less than it could have been. In My Name is Shanghai Joe, I am happy to say that everything comes together in the best, most satisfying way possible. It is a western first, then a kung fu film, but it truly delivers on both levels. It is also nearly non-stop action, with Shanghai Joe moving briskly through the baddies in one great scene after another. I always go into mixed genre films with apprehension, especially ones that mix two of my favorite genres, but My Name is Shanghai Joe does it so well that I had an absolute blast watching it and will definitely be watching this one again.

There isn’t much of a plot to speak of. Shanghai Joe arrives off a presumably slow boat from China in San Francisco of 1882. He quickly buys a stagecoach ticket East to Texas. At every turn, Joe meets up with some of the most racist fuckers ever put onto celluloid, spouting shitty Chinaman jokes one after another. After working his way through tons of these bastards, Joe finally pisses off the wrong dude, who in turn hires four assassins to track down Joe and take him out. These assassins, with such names as Scalper Jack and Pedro the Cannibal, each go down in interesting and fun ways. My Name is Shanghai Joe is a revenge film, but not one to linger on the pain or the regret such killing might lead another hero to contemplate. Instead most of the scenes follow this general framework: Joe enters, the bad guys say some racist shit and attack, Joe fucking annihilates them. It’s truly gratifying to watch and literally never gets old.

As this is an early 70s Italian film, it takes a lot of cues from films that have come before it, but mostly in stylistic ways instead of direct copying. The film features a heavy Kung Fu TV show vibe, with hazy flashbacks to Joe’s Chinese masters teaching him ancient, secret knowledge and giving him a burned-on tattoo to remind him of his days at ole China U. It definitely feels Italian though, so it’s an interesting film just to see an Italian interpretation of the Chinese experience in their version of the American West. The film also takes some inspiration from Chang Cheh’s bloody work, with nearly every fight featuring some intense, over-the-top moment of blood and guts. One of my favorites was when Joe jumped towards his attacker and in mid-air ripped both of the fucker’s eyes out. These are moments that I just can’t argue with. They are built to entertain and that’s exactly what they do.

The music is very well done as well, with moments that perfectly fuse clichéd Chinese music with clichéd Spaghetti Western tones. The score sounds incredibly similar to something Ennio Morricone would have done, and I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if sections were lifted directly from some of his scores. I don’t want to make crazy claims of theft though, as I have nothing to base it on except the music feeling somewhat familiar and sounding incredibly like Morricone. In any case, the score by Bruno Nicolai works well and sets the stage beautifully.

This is the second film from Mario Caiano I’ve reviewed, the first being A Coffin for the Sheriff with Anthony Steffen. His shooting style has progressed immensely since that film, and My Name is Shanghai Joe comes off as a mature, incredibly well-shot Spaghetti Western. Where A Coffin for the Sheriff was workable and showed signs of potential, My Name is Shanghai Joe realizes that potential and gives you a pleasing visual film that excites at nearly every turn. It is expertly paced as well, with action scenes that fly by in a haze of high kicks & slo-mo jumps and not a lot of downtime filler in between.

Chen Lee plays Shanghai Joe with a quiet calm and a raging jump kick. The guy is truly charismatic and fun to watch, lighting up the screen with his movie kung fu and his distinct face. The supporting cast is also filled with lots of fun characters; I only wish some of the hired assassins got more screen-time. Everyone’s favorite crazy man Klaus Kinski is only in a couple of scenes towards the end of the movie, and Gordon Mitchell (who played Crazy Kelly in Django and Sartana Are Coming… It’s the End) is in the film even less. It’s a testament to their boisterous on-screen personas that even with such limited screen-time, they remain memorable and are definite highlights of the film.

My Name is Shanghai Joe is a total exploitation treat and should be more well known than it is. It’s a non-stop thrill ride of WTF joy, with assholes so over-the-top in their racism that each time Joe kicks their asses it’s intensely gratifying and fun to watch. You gonna shortchange Joe in a deal, then chase him on your horse while trying to whip him and then try to stab him after he knocks you off your horse? Then Joe’s gonna break your fuckin’ wrist and you’re gonna like it, you racist bastard!

Couldn’t find an English trailer, so here’s a small clip!